Goodbye Oscar..

We buried Oscar this morning.

He had been missing for days. Which was not unusual. He had been gone for a day or two before. The food we had put out was still disappearing, even though some days it was totally untouched. 

It was almost like when we first met him. He was super shy and ran away at the sight or sound of us. It took weeks before hubby got close enough to stroke him. Then pretty soon he couldn't get enough of our caresses.

I remember the first time he jumped on my lap; the one time he let my face come so close to his that we nose bumped; the last time he hung out with me as I sat in the front yard. He was such a source of joy and comfort.

By the fifth day, I got sufficiently concerned that I went out of our compound to search for him, knowing full well that the chances of finding him that way were slim. I even looked in drains along the road.

Hubby found him. A black mess among trash, ravaged by maggots. He must had passed the first day he went missing. Seeing the pendant I put on him just a month ago confirmed it's him.

Strangely I did not cry. About 5 years ago, I was quite emotional when I had to say goodbye to a community cat which I fed a couple times a week. Granted I had been feeding Tux for about a year while we only really knew Oscar for 3 months.

Perhaps it is age or maturity but it was a quiet acceptance as hubby and I stood where he decided would be his final resting place. Away from us but not that far off where we would never find him? 

Perhaps as the number of days he went missing increased, we had already started accepting that the chances of him reappearing alive were decreasing. There really was not much that we could do but hope for his return.

So it was with composure and resolute that we did what was necessary to move his body and bury him. I got the necessary equipment and hubby transported him to a secluded corner and started digging.

It was difficult to look at Oscar's body. He had such soft and smooth fur that was .. no more. He had been so graceful and light on his paws but it looked nothing more than dead weight. He had serenaded me with his gentle purring and it was so silent.

Perhaps the tears will come after all.

Confessions of a Mahjong Addict

The other night, I played mahjong. By myself. 

Yes, myself playing all 4 winds or "sides" of the table.
I did not even use a square table.
I did not even have a full set of tiles.
I did not even play with normal size tiles. 

I was that desperate to play. Actually no. I invited the hubby to join me (even though he barely knows the game) but he was too exhausted from work that day. But I wanted to play something. I had brought both my miniature mahjong tiles and my bead pyramid IQ puzzle to our trapezium-shaped study desk and thought I self-entertain a little before sleep. 

I didn't think I would enjoy a solo mahjong session, with tiny feather-light tiles, but as it has been months (4 to be exact!) since I last played mahjong, I chose that over the IQ puzzle.

The miniature set was bought off Carousell because I like mahjong and I like tiny things. It was also inexpensive being secondhand. At that point in time, my personal Hello Kitty set was with a friend and I just wanted a set to begin introducing the hubby to my favourite game so I purchased it even though it was missing the animals. 

With the missing animals and solo playing, I figured I would go easy on the rules and just go back to the basics of getting 4 sets and a pair of eyes for a win. So easy-peasy. Thought I would bore quickly...

how I missed these 4 walls

I played for more than 2 hours.
Even though I had to think for 4 "players".
Even though I had to set up all 4 walls after each round.
Even though I got confused at least 4 times "whose" turn it was.

Thing is, despite the simplistic rules, the mental effort required, and the lack of satisfaction from discarding a normal size mahjong tile of substantial weight with style, I still enjoy the game. 😍

unique solo mahjong setup

It is so gratifying to draw that one tile you had been banking on; the pleasure of seeing the sets you envisioned falling into place; that ultimate vindication of winning on that last available tile you needed. Amazingly, even the heartache of drawing another hong zhong 🀄 after finally letting one go on the previous turn does not lessen with the reduced size of the tiles!

this was a big win!

As I had to oversee 4 arrays of tiles, the longish table actually worked pretty well. The tiles for the dealer always comes first. So east, south, west, then north down the length of the table. It was also helpful that I was on a rolling desk chair!

long table is good for solo mahjong! And another big win!

Although I was not playing with money or chips, the "pro" in me still gravitated towards qing yi se, ban se, ping hu and peng peng hu. I was not even counting the tai, but after a few rounds I got curious about which side of the "table" is becoming the "big winner" and began to track "who" is winning.

so amused by how I named the 4 directions of the "table"

Initially I only used the first letter of the different directions but decided to give them names eventually. It appears Libby's fengshui was not so good. Odd that that was the side where my notebook with red cover stood. Hmm...

Anyway, yes, I confess I am a mahjong addict.

The following day, we had a power outage on the estate which lasted for quite some time. Guess what I thought of. I suggested playing mahjong to the hubby and he agreed! He really did not have many alternative things to do. 😂

We got a rectangular table and sat in the living room with lots of natural light. He was "Timmy" (well, he can't be a Tammy right?) and "Ronny" while I became "Libby" and "Betty". I could have played for 3 but it was not hubby's first time so with his intelligence, I was sure he could handle it.

Because I really wanted him to play with me for a long time, I put on my teacher's hat and really tried to make the learning process easier and smoother for him. Kept the rules simple and allowed no tai wins (personalised learning). When he couldn't remember the chinese characters for numbering, I provided a pictorial reference (scaffolding). After every round, I explicitly explained my tiles on hand and my strategy (modeling) and also discussed his tiles and strategy (feedback). Most importantly, I was very patient. At his playing speed, most of my mahjong kakis would want a new kaki!

the scaffold provided to hubby. actually much better versions available online

Maybe it had to do with the name Libby by the end of 1 round (each player being dealer at least once), Libby did not win a single time while Ronny was the ultimate winner. Yes, my hubby won more times than me.

this got to be the ultimate no tai win

I must find our square table so I can finally use my Hello Kitty mahjong tiles but first, I need 2 more players! Let's start a mahjong club in Uruguay??!! Playing mahjong comes with a slew of benefits!!!! Or do you prefer a scientific research conclusion?

好心疼妳

Yesterday, I turned on the laptop and had started a new entry on my blog with the intention for something entirely different.

The instant when I found out about your death, my immediate response was an audible "NO!".

Disbelief, shock, horror, and pain... so much pain. 

Whatever else I had planned for the day just went down the drain. I felt so paralyzed from doing anything constructive. 

I thought about just catching up on news about you. Although I idolize you, I had no idea what you had been up to. But it felt too much. Every snippet of you smiling, spreading sunshine and positivity felt almost.. threatening. Not even you...??

I was afraid my own thoughts will spiral down a path I dare not tread so I chose to distance myself from the news. I asked a friend out last minute and had a wonderful dinner. With champagne no less. Life does go on.

A brand new day. Begun with yoga and a fulfilling day to look forward to. 

But news related to you is hard to avoid. So many artistes shared about their interactions with you. All praises and reflections of the beautiful soul you had been. More than your singing or your dancing, I admire you for you, who you are had been as a person, a human being.

It made no sense but tears kept welling. Perhaps I should just allow myself a marathon to review all you had achieved in life. Allow these tears to flow freely. Cry my heart out but remember you at your best and celebrate you.

I listened to your final voice recording. I watched that clip of you relearning how to walk and declaring yourself a warrior. You will always be my idol. 

Late is the night, I am supposed to be sleeping. But in the darkness my pillow is  dampening.

I cannot imagine the helplessness that you must had felt to come to this decision.

真的好心疼妳 

HELPLINES

Mental well-being

• Institute of Mental Health’s Mental Health Helpline: 6389-2222 (24 hours)
• Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 (24 hours) /1-767 (24 hours)
• Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-283-7019
• Silver Ribbon Singapore: 6386-1928
• Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 
• Community Health Assessment Team 6493-6500/1 

Counselling

• TOUCHline (Counselling): 1800-377-2252
• TOUCH Care Line (for seniors, caregivers): 6804-6555
• Care Corner Counselling Centre: 6353-1180

Online resources

• mindline.sg
• stayprepared.sg/mymentalhealth
• eC2.sg
• www.tinklefriend.sg
• www.chat.mentalhealth.sg
• carey.carecorner.org.sg (for those aged 13 to 25)
• limitless.sg/talk (for those aged 12 to 25)

Books - Borders - Beatitude

Visited The Book Barracks today. What a beautiful place. You know how when you come into a space and just know that you belong? That is how I felt when I stepped into The Book Barracks. It is the little details. Signs handmade with love. Tibetan prayer flags. Namaste. I still have fond memories of my first time in Nepal. 

Just like the founder of Books Beyond Borders. I remember the children, gorgeous little beings with rosy cheeks and cheerful eyes. But unlike the founder, I did not go on to run a successful social enterprise. Amazing what passion and a heart to give can achieve. Truly inspiring, and very inspired. 

I generally prefer to borrow books from the library or source from Books Don't Throw if I have particular titles in mind. Very often I just read what is available if the title or cover piques my interest. But when I do wish to buy a book, I am so glad there is Books Beyond Borders that allows me to get a pre-loved one and do good at the same time! 

A special shoutout to Yu Xuan for her assistance in my quest for this Meditation book. When I first reached out, I was informed that they do not have it but I received another message the following day that they just got one! I will call that beatitude! 

Had actually walked out of the cozy shop after making my purchase but felt so compelled to put up this post, I returned and asked Yu Xuan for a photo! Thus here's rounding up my fastest blog post of books, borders and beatitude. 😉

Geocaching all over the world

 

drew this in my Bujo as a remembrance of the fun!

I cannot remember how I first came across this concept of Geocaching. Probably it was one of the things recommended to do in your home country when the world was on lock-down. But who made the recommendation? *shrug shoulders* Anyway, I was immediately taken with the idea and promptly downloaded the app. 

The very first cache I found was with the kiddos when I gatecrashed their staycation in the Civic District. There are many in the area! As we strolled around the area, I steered them towards this particular one titled Momentum which is located right in the corner of a road junction. It was rather strange to be looking blindly around the bushes. We did not even know what it looked like. But being with children made anything less suspicious/conspicuous. Hahaha.... 

The joy and excitement of eventually finding it was indescribable! The children doubled that dosage with their squeals of delight. We were initially dismayed that we did not have a pen to log in our find but when there is a will, there is a way: we went to the office building nearby and borrowed one from a security guard. 💪

the little missus holding the cache container

That was back in October 2020. Despite the successful first attempt, I was not so lucky tracking down the many others available in Singapore for a long long time. There was one near home in Bukit Panjang but the hubby and I were not successful in finding it. He even got hurt looking high and low under a flyover. I had even wanted to create and hide my own Geocache, thinking of ideas for the container and the location. But a whole year passed without another find.

Early 2022, my BFF sent me a text "I learnt of a game today that I think you will like!!!" Of course she was right! Her success in finding two in a single day spurred me back on the Geocaching trail again. Promptly found two located near my workplace in the central area. As I was alone this time, it really felt odd to be probing into shrubs and structures in open public places. I always feel like I need to pretend to be doing something 🤣 As another Geocacher wrote in the notes, you will be "shooting awkward smiles at the muggles walking by".

BFF and my logs on the same logsheet

Now that the world is not in lock-down mode, I always open the app to see what I can find in my vicinity. Sadly, I was unable to log any finds in ulu Uruguay or terrific Turkey when I was in those parts of the world. However, here in Germany, I had already found three! As the description of the Geocaches are in Deutsch, I have the added load of deciphering the text (or I should see it as a way to practise my Deutsch!) before I can begin my search. Again, one that was along a busy main road had me pretending to tie my shoelaces while I was writing the log. Ha!

     

Just last week when C brought us to check out the interesting town of Baarle, I whipped out the app again and we found this one right on one border. And she got hooked! I was already really enjoying this re-found (not really newfound) hobby on my own but it is so much more fun to go Geocaching with a buddy!! She got to practise her Dutch deciphering the descriptions. Haha.. Spent quite a bit of my visit cycling around to search for hidden tokens in Belgium which apparently is really big on Geocaching.

this one had such a lovely back story to why a mill in this location

 

It should be big everywhere... it is fun, interesting and a great way to make a simple walk that much more exciting. Some Geocaches include background information of its location or its origin so you may even learn something new as you log your find. I can't wait to log more here in Germany before I return to Singapore and conquer the rest! Wanna join?

Aurelius

No, not Dumbledore. Although that was probably where I truly first heard of this name.. I remember relishing the way Johnny Depp enunciated it for Ezra Miller (start at 3:59).

Had not even registered it while watching Gladiator... He was already put in such a good light in that movie... What an unfortunate way for a great man to pass but his death as shown in the movie is not verified.

It is just this year when I was reading "The Power of Now" that I first came across the wisdom of Marcus Aurelius and Stoicism. I was so blown away by how it resonated with me that it earned an entire page entry in my bujo. 

That was my reminder to dig deep into stoicism but it is only just now that I remember and make another resolution to get the book! Which is really saying something because books are one category of things that I do not really buy anymore. Although I love reading physical books over Kindle, they often feel like clutter at home because they are so rarely picked up. I only kept a very small selection of books that I do not think I will ever let go. And now I am certain, this book has earned its space in my house before I have even read it entirely.

So, what jolted my memory again? For the month of June, I have been reading one book a day according to a suggested "30 Must-Read Books before you turn 50" list. Really not a speedy reader so just summaries of the listed books. 😅 Really gained quite some useful knowledge, even from books I would never have picked up from a shelf ("The 48 Laws of Power"?!?!) on my own.

Recommended book for day 24 is "Meditations". The list does not include authors (and there was no need to because it is always evident which best seller the title refers to) and I had thought this was going to be a yoga-related book but it is actually by that Aurelius this post is dedicated to. 😍 Also interesting that I am currently writing this post on the same land where his wife had died...

Usually, I would peruse a few summaries for the book of the day and draw up my own summary, noting the key points, into my bujo. For this particular entry, I noted that this book is "a collection of personal notes which was never meant for publication" and a command to "READ IT!"

I can't wait to get my hands on it! But first I need to decide which translation.....

a bucket list item that i can never tick off

I don't actually upkeep a physical copy but I do have a bucket list. Many items are quite typical and I am proud to say I have ticked off quite a few "riskier" ones - skydiving!!

This particular item on the list was not exactly difficult to achieve. Pre-Covid, the husband had even alluded to the possibility of making this dream of mine a reality. Although it requires neither guts nor strength, it will take planning, time, money and lots of luck too..

There was one particular period years ago when weekdays 5pm was sacred to me. I did not want to be anywhere else other than in front of the TV. It was one hour for me to escape. My me-time when no matter how the earlier work day had been, I got to let my hair down, dance, laugh, cry and recharge for another day. 

At some point, I told myself "I want to, I got to watch this live". 

As it was not as easy as taking a bus to Caldecott Hill, for the longest time I made do with the recorded, (overly-censored) and televised versions and became quite the fan. 

Case in point: blue had always been my least favourite colour but I began to take a liking to the blue associated with the show.

 

When work made it impossible to catch the show regularly, I binge-watched it on YouTube or wherever and whenever I can. I gushed over it and her a lot. So much so that two different friends bought her book for me separately.

When the possible plan of watching the show live got dashed with the pandemic, I indulged myself with her signature gift box as a 40th birthday gift to myself. It was a real indulgence when I found out the postage cost.

I was still hopeful about ticking off this item on the bucket list when I was unboxing my present. 

But the last episode had been filmed and aired. The end of a season, forever.

Feeling incredibly sad. Not just because I am now unable to tick off this item. Also what had led to this end. How my faith in my most favourite person in the world had wavered. How I had thought Ellen could be anything more than human. 

I still love you. Be kind to one another. Right back at you.