a bucket list item that i can never tick off

I don't actually upkeep a physical copy but I do have a bucket list. Many items are quite typical and I am proud to say I have ticked off quite a few "riskier" ones - skydiving!!

This particular item on the list was not exactly difficult to achieve. Pre-Covid, the husband had even alluded to the possibility of making this dream of mine a reality. Although it requires neither guts nor strength, it will take planning, time, money and lots of luck too..

There was one particular period years ago when weekdays 5pm was sacred to me. I did not want to be anywhere else other than in front of the TV. It was one hour for me to escape. My me-time when no matter how the earlier work day had been, I got to let my hair down, dance, laugh, cry and recharge for another day. 

At some point, I told myself "I want to, I got to watch this live". 

As it was not as easy as taking a bus to Caldecott Hill, for the longest time I made do with the recorded, (overly-censored) and televised versions and became quite the fan. 

Case in point: blue had always been my least favourite colour but I began to take a liking to the blue associated with the show.

 

When work made it impossible to catch the show regularly, I binge-watched it on YouTube or wherever and whenever I can. I gushed over it and her a lot. So much so that two different friends bought her book for me separately.

When the possible plan of watching the show live got dashed with the pandemic, I indulged myself with her signature gift box as a 40th birthday gift to myself. It was a real indulgence when I found out the postage cost.

I was still hopeful about ticking off this item on the bucket list when I was unboxing my present. 

But the last episode had been filmed and aired. The end of a season, forever.

Feeling incredibly sad. Not just because I am now unable to tick off this item. Also what had led to this end. How my faith in my most favourite person in the world had wavered. How I had thought Ellen could be anything more than human. 

I still love you. Be kind to one another. Right back at you.

How are you? Are you really ok?

<<I was challenged by a friend to raise awareness for PTSD earlier this month. I didn't feel up to that particular challenge 🤣 but I do want to speak out for all who may be suffering from mental illnesses and/or anxiety disorders. So here is me rising to the challenge in a different format. >>

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression are anxiety disorders listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the principal authority for psychiatric diagnoses. They are recognised conditions by experts so first and foremost we need to understand that people with these conditions are REALLY unable to just "get over it".

There are many good online resources explaining the details such as this one by SingHealth. Or you may prefer to watch the TED Talk video on it. Interestingly, almost all the Google search results and resources from Singapore focus on identifying symptoms and recommending treatments while the top result from a non-SG website is Time To Change whose focus is to end mental health discrimination. 

Time To Change has great suggestions for people who want to help and even an entire section on Personal Stories for people with mental conditions to share their experiences. It is also where I learnt to ask twice when checking in on people you are concerned about, hence the title of this blog. In Singapore, we have the Beyond The Label initiative by NCSS which I was only reminded of from Berni's Facebook post. So yes, raising awareness for this greatly misunderstood condition is the why I am writing this blog post.

Here are some of my personal experiences with mental conditions.

I have always been a rather emotional person. When I was younger, breaking up was so devastating to me emotionally that I probably slipped into depression a couple of times. I remembered distinctly one particular episode when I was working as The Little Gym instructor. To be professional, my job requires me to be energetic and approachable in front of full classes of up to 24 adults and children for 45 minutes stretch. I would be able to execute that, holding back tears and emotions when they threatened, and then totally break down behind closed doors right after the end of a class. Oh yes I handled it, if you call that handling it. I lost my appetite, grew really thin, and somewhat functioned in a zombie-like state. My dad, at a loss of what else to do, for the first time in our lives, wrote me an encouragement card in Mandarin.

Once, when I was eating a meal by myself, a stranger asked to join my table which I agreed. We started chatting but it became increasingly uncomfortable. When I tried to leave, he refused to let me out of his sight, put his arm around me and touched my bare skin. I was horrified and felt totally helpless even though it was broad daylight in a shopping center. It was only when I walked towards a security guard and voiced my objection did he let me go. I was shaking and crying as I recounted the incident at the police station, my best friend by my side. It is only today as I read this HealthHub webpage on post-traumatic stress reactions am I able to put a name to all that I felt and experienced for that period of time. 

During my career as a secondary school teacher, I shed tears on many occasions. Sometimes they were due to difficult students in challenging classes. There were moments when I felt ineffective in helping those under my charge. And there were times it seemed nothing I did would or could ever make a positive difference for those who I care deeply about. I am aware that I am a sensitive person. Pastoral care sessions in school were often my undoing. But I generally attribute those salty water to my disposition and in fact believe they are beneficial. However, one of my supervisors became concerned and suggested psychotherapy. So I received treatment. Initially I was slightly affected by the stigma and did not tell anyone about these sessions. But hey, now you know, I needed help to manage my emotions and those sessions with a certified psychologist really helped me.

A close friend of mine had turned to me when she was suffering from an anxiety attack. For a while, I held space for her, listened and supported her. As much as I love her, when the frequency of these distress calls kept increasing, I became impatient with her and even wanted to distance myself from her. Not proud to admit that I had judged her negatively in her time of need. Yet, it is also important to recognise that caring for someone with mental conditions is not easy and I have to acknowledge these mixed feelings I had towards her. Still love her!

Wow... quite a catharsis for me in penning this post. Then again, writing often is. But I hope I have also achieved my aim to raise awareness for PTSD, and mental conditions in general. Let's do our part to end mental health discrimination. Be kind to one another and spread love. 🎔

Dylan and Erica need to....

Finally picking up where I last left off in the Dylan-needs-to series, except given the 6 years lapse 🤯 it now becomes the Dylan-and-Erica-need-to series. And not so sure if this list for kids is still relevant to these 2 not-so-little little ones (both of them in primary school next year!) but today being the first day of the month and the first day of the second half of the year, I am feeling pretty inspired to keep it going continuously for at least a month?!? (keeping fingers crossed)

Looking at the next item on the list, I can imagine why I allowed such a long gap to transpire...... "dig a hole to China" Why in the world would kids need to do that? And unfortunately I really don't have the best opinion of China right now so that is hardly a desirable destination. If it is about being okay to get down and get dirty playing in dirt, that I can agree! The concept of Forest School is one I wouldn't mind being more involved in personally! Well, both of them are not adverse to getting muddy and playing in sand so I guess that is settled?

Next one is "need to take a nap with their dog".... but they don't have a dog... and given the discussion the family had while we were standing outside a pet shop just yesterday.. it seems highly likely that they might have one in the future... but they do have hamsters! Too tiny for them to take a nap with but probably learning the value of taking care of another living creature just the same.. They are certainly more confident in handling their Pokemon-named pets than me...

So, this reboot of the series shall begin with 6. Dylan and Erica need to search for the end of the rainbow. Both of them definitely recognize the colourful phenomenon and we often would spend at least a few minutes marveling the beauty of it when we do catch one. This endeavour of searching for its end would be an interesting extension. I mean, we all know you can never quite find the end but it does not mean that the pursuit of it is worthless or meaningless. I can already imagine the fun and possible conversation that might arise from such a hunt. And when they do find out that I brought them on an impossible search, I hope they would see the value of it in terms of the intangible enjoyment we gained from that little adventure.

Can't wait to find a rainbow with them!!