Something I Cried Over

Deaths almost always leave a lump in my throat. 

In July this year, I received news of 2 deaths in a span of a week. Both were unexpected and though neither was family, I was quite cut up to hear the news.

One was the guru I encountered during my yoga retreat to India in 2018. We were still corresponding via snail mail last year and I was wondering about the delay in his response to my last card.. Although we only spent a couple of hours a day together during that short trip, he had really left an impression on me and I was looking forward to learning more from him...

The other was an ex-colleague who I had worked quite closely with. Firstly, she was the mother hen for all new teachers and really took good care of us newbies to the school. Then we worked as co-teachers for a class and I witnessed how caring and selfless she was as a teacher. Before I left school, she became a fellow teacher-in-charge for the CCA I was in charge of and I learnt a different (and sporty) side of her from all the afternoons we spent together. I even had the honor of her presence during my wedding dinner.

Tears threatening again as I type. As a logical person, I understand the fact that all life ends in death and it is inevitable but there is no way my brain could convince the heart to stop aching. Especially for Mrs Ho whose life seemed so unfairly taken away. My last text to her was for her birthday and really wishing for her the retirement that she was looking forward to.. 

Both Mrs Ho and Mohanji were some of the nicest and kindest persons I know and for days after hearing the news, it felt impossible to reconcile my expectation with the reality. On many occasions, I found that I had drifted off in a daze, recalling the interactions I had with them and realizing I would never be able to do the same anymore.

Thankfully, even with the Covid situation, I was able to pay my respect to Mrs Ho in person and that ritual with the opportunity to speak to her family gave me some closure. Crying was a release. Grieve.

Death is unavoidable and that certainty is a good constant reminder to cherish the now. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, say what needs to be said and do what your heart wants done. Give thanks and love.

5forSG55

August. The month we celebrate Singapore. Usually I get all hyped up when this month rolls round because I am really so proud to be a Singaporean. However this year the feeling is just different. Maybe it is because we are in a pandemic. Perhaps it is the negativity surrounding this year's election that had rubbed off me the wrong way. Or it could be that I was disappointed that the NDP committee had decided to provide a funpack for every household despite designating 2019 as the Year Towards Zero Waste. I guess my decision to opt-out of collecting said funpack also did nothing to add to the usual festive mood of the month. Hmm.... the biggest reason might be the grief of losing a dear colleague most unexpectedly just before the month began. 😢

Regardless of my personal feelings, the country was certainly in celebration mode. Practically every other post on my Facebook news feed was about a National Day promotion or a special 55 related offer or screaming red and white or a gratitude note that I might have written myself. The one post that really got my attention was one with #5forSG55 - a challenge to gather a group of 5 to pick 5 bags of trash from our East Coast Beach as a way to celebrate National Day.

As a diver, I am particularly aware of how our usage of plastic is causing harm to our seas. My first attempt at a beach cleanup was on a stretch of pebble beach in Bali after reading about #2minutebeachclean. There had been news about how the monsoon had been bringing in an incredible amount of trash to our shores and I knew I wanted to help somehow. The challenge just provided even more motivation for me to make this journey to the east. 😂 Thus I promptly joined the telegram group and created my own group. 

I was quite ready to do it solo but *surprise surprise* someone actually joined my group! And between the 2 of us we collected 7 bags of trash in under 2 hours. The best part of this cleanup was being able to encourage a stranger to help out with just our actions! We had been working silently and separately in a bid to cover as much ground as possible when someone approached my new friend to ask what we were doing and then if he could help! I gave him a pair of extra gloves I had and a recycled plastic bag and he went right to work!

A week later, I joined another group to do some "beach forensic examination" during which our focus was to document the source of the trash found on our shores. Unsurprisingly, most of the identified trash came from neighbouring countries but there were definitely some local trash too. In a shorter period of about 45 minutes, I bagged one plastic bag worth of trash. The best part of this cleanup was when 2 young girls approached me to clarify what I was doing. It so warmed my heart to see the acknowledgement in their eyes that what I was doing was not in vain. They started their own cleanup there and then.

Before the month was up, I organised another beach cleanup when some of my own friends decided that they wanted to do their part too!! This time round, I booked the use of Cleanpod 

                    

and really leveled up equipment-wise with a cart, weighing scale, pails, tongs and even sieves! The area we worked at did not have the usual large trash so I made full use of the available sieve and went after the microplastics! After about an hour's work, the 5 of us actually bagged just over 5 bags for SG55! 6.7 kg of tiny plastic and styrofoam kept out of the stomachs of sea creatures! But the best part of this cleanup had to be the ice cold beer we had before we even began work. 🤣

The plastic issue is such a humongous problem. I had been a lot more passionate about speaking against it in previous years. I wonder if I am becoming a little numb to it because you see it everywhere, even in the streets, by the roadside, on communal tables in void deck. Can I collect them all? Do my actions really make a difference? I don't have an answer to that. I just know I cannot do nothing at all.

Please stop trashing our planet.

 

Saying Goodbye to Grandma..

My ah ma was a tough woman. She lived through WWII, borne 9 children and pretty much brought up myself and 4 other cousins single-handedly when we were younger. I remember days when we kids got so rowdy in her 4-room flat that she had to shout at us while preparing meals or washing and hanging up laundry.

I remember her cooking - pork chops coated with biscuit crumbs, thick meat porridge with my favourite ketchup and made from scratch ngoh hiang which we only got to enjoy during CNY. Her homecooked meals were her communication of love for us.
 
I remember the white powder that she liked to put on just as other women of her era did - my first introduction to make-up. Though she rarely looked made up, I thought she was beautiful, especially when she smiled. 

Around the time when I started JC, days spent at grandma's house got fewer and fewer but when I do visit, I would definitely get my favourite dish of tomato egg. We would sit together to watch TV programmes; she would ask me for the time and that was one thing I became pretty good at in hokkien; or she would ask me to do little chores like turning on the light or turning off the fan.

We could hardly hold a conversation together but I loved being cheeky with her, teasing her about this or that. When I got older, one thing I often "told" her was to stop smoking. I would gestured taking the cigarette out of mouth and putting it out and she would often just smile and wave me off.

Once, I got really upset with her because she didn't want a wheelchair that enabled her to wheel herself around. She wanted one that only had the option of being pushed around although she still had strength in her arms. It seemed to me that she had given up then.

It was last February during one of my visits that it finally dawned on me that the time might be near. She was frail, no longer walking and hardly speaking. I remember holding her hand and feeling her soft yet easily bruised skin. She was still her cheeky self, smiling and teasing me about my then-boyfriend. I remember thinking to myself that I want more pictures with ah ma..

20th Jan 19: Birthday celebration! Ah ma was 93 years old. Technically it was celebrating both our birthdays as we share the same lunar birthday. She was happy with her cake and all the little ones running around her.

7th Feb 19: On the second day of CNY, she was hospitalised. I visited her and sat mostly silently by her bedside. Looking at all the tubes on her, sensing the discomfort she was experiencing, I took her hand and silently thought to myself. "I would love for you to be at my wedding, I want so much for you to be at my wedding, I want to serve the granddaughter and grandson-in-law tea to you. But you don't have to stay for that, you don't have to stay at all. You can go, ah ma..."

10th Feb 19: I was greeted with countless messages and missed calls on my phone after finishing a yoga class. Frantically hailed a cab and rushed down to the hospital with a pounding heart. She took a while but she opened her eyes when she heard that I had arrived. Then she gave an even bigger welcome to my then-fiance, the yandao. She survived that day.

17th Feb 19: She appeared better, was able to recognize more of us, spoke more coherently and once again was asking for the time every now and then. I thought she looked really cute when she smacked her lips together. Then she showed us what she was capable of by blowing bubbles into a straw. Definitely A+++ for you ah ma!

25th Feb 19: She was well enough to be transferred from the hospital to a community hospital. Everything went smoothly and transportation plans for her from the new venue to the wedding venue were considered. Everyone was in high spirits.

2nd Mar 19: I was called to the hospital although I had planned to meet my jiemeis to discuss the wedding day schedule. I arrived within an hour to see her with an oxygen mask covering half her face. With the help of my aunt, she presented me with the golden bangles she had asked my aunt to purchase for me the day before. Pictures were taken. I thanked her with a kiss on her forehead. My family told me to proceed with my plans.

After meeting with my jiemeis, I got another call to return to the hospital, this time with Axel. When we arrived, she had been moved to a private room and almost all family members in town were present. After waiting for the tea cups to arrive, we served tea to ah ma and received her blessings. More pictures and video were taken. She looked really alert and agreed that the tea was sweet. Although all of us were prepared for the worst that night, her condition improved well enough to be transferred back to her previous common room.

7-8th Mar 19: It was my Guo Da Li day and as per tradition, Axel was required to prepare a special angbao just for ah ma. My dad delivered it to her the following day and she opened her eyes for this picture of her with the angbao that was rightfully hers.

10th Mar 19: One week to the wedding. Visited ah ma with Axel. Her limbs felt cold and she complained that her legs were aching. Tried to make her comfortable by moving her limbs for her. Held her hands and she would tightened her grip on mine. Told her to sleep and rest. Questioned the doctor about the tips of her fingers and he called us aside to tell us to be prepared.

11th Mar 19: While out running errands for the wedding with Axel, my mind constantly thought of  ah ma. Can one ever be fully prepared for such an event? I received the news via Whatsapp while we were in a crowded MRT train. Initially I was calm, but as I leaned into Axel and buried my face in his chest, the tears just overcame me. The realisation that she was gone was just too much.

Then I received a call from my brother to remind me to stay away and not participate in the funeral. Am I really not allowed to say my last goodbye? Another call from my mum then another from an aunt. Some indignation and fresh tears each time. Perhaps it really was for the best that I was absent.

That day, the skies opened and rain hammered down after a long dry spell.

13th Mar 19: As I was kept up to date via our family group chat without being able to be physically present, I tried to go about my normal days, doing things that I routinely do. I was okay. I talked to my friends and was comforted. I attended my usual yoga class. The necessity to turn inwards and focus on my gaze, body and breath made it unnecessary to constantly remind myself that life goes on. I felt great that I was able to execute all the poses.. until savasanah. Totally relaxed, the mind went right back to ah ma and I pretty much burst into tears.

15th Mar 19: It was the appointed day for Axel and I to collect our marriage certificate from ROM. It was also the day ah ma was to be cremated. With an insane need to do something, we headed for the beach in ECP. Both of us folded some origami boats, I gathered some fallen white flowers and set the little memorial boats adorned with flowers out to sea. Rituals do have meaning. For me, that simple act was significant and comforting. I know my ah ma loves me and that I am in her heart as much as she will always be in mine.

 
Ang Char (1926 - 2019) is survived by 9 children, 6 children-in-law, 17 grandchildren, 9 grandchildren-in-law and 7 great-grandchildren.