Yesterday, I turned on the laptop and had started a new entry on my blog with the intention for something entirely different.
The instant when I found out about your death, my immediate response was an audible "NO!".
Disbelief, shock, horror, and pain... so much pain.
Whatever else I had planned for the day just went down the drain. I felt so paralyzed from doing anything constructive.
I thought about just catching up on news about you. Although I idolize you, I had no idea what you had been up to. But it felt too much. Every snippet of you smiling, spreading sunshine and positivity felt almost.. threatening. Not even you...??
I was afraid my own thoughts will spiral down a path I dare not tread so I chose to distance myself from the news. I asked a friend out last minute and had a wonderful dinner. With champagne no less. Life does go on.
A brand new day. Begun with yoga and a fulfilling day to look forward to.
But news related to you is hard to avoid. So many artistes shared about their interactions with you. All praises and reflections of the beautiful soul you had been. More than your singing or your dancing, I admire you for you, who you are had been as a person, a human being.
It made no sense but tears kept welling. Perhaps I should just allow myself a marathon to review all you had achieved in life. Allow these tears to flow freely. Cry my heart out but remember you at your best and celebrate you.
I listened to your final voice recording. I watched that clip of you relearning how to walk and declaring yourself a warrior. You will always be my idol.
Late is the night, I am supposed to be sleeping. But in the darkness my pillow is dampening.
I cannot imagine the helplessness that you must had felt to come to this decision.
真的好心疼妳
