Paw Prints on my Heart

 

I don't even remember when my love affair with cats began.

Hello Kitty is certainly a source. But how did swooning over the cat with no mouth transition into an indescribable love for the real deal of sleek, coolness, and independence - I am unsure.

I remember making a declaration "I love all cats! - except Garfield" I could never resist spending time with cats. You have a cat? Can I come visit? If I come across a stray, I would pause even if it is just to say "hello there!" Eventually, it led to volunteering for Cat Welfare Society, buying of cat calendars, regular feeding of community cats, seeking out cat cafes and even the cat village of Houtong. Everyone knew me to be the cat person who, ironically, didn't have a cat. Until I moved to Uruguay.

Oscar was first. He was so shy initially, always keeping his distance, but I had no doubt we were meant to be. I loved watching him as he kneads his front paws, while eating from his bowl or before settling into his favorite spot for a nap. When he first jumped on my lap, the gentle press of his paws seemed to say "I am learning to trust you." 

When we lost Oscar, it felt like someone had punched a hole through my heart. The untouched food bowl, the empty corners where he used to nap - everything felt wrong. I wasn't ready to say goodbye, not when we had barely begun our journey together.

Then Chinook came into my life. Her constant purring was like a healing balm to make all things right again. She purred so much, so loudly - we named her after the just as deafening helicopter. We didn't know then that her sweet purring might have been trying to tell us something. That perhaps her body was already fighting battles we couldn't see.

Losing two cats within six months... I never imagined such heartbreak when I dreamed of being a cat mom. How could something I wanted for so long bring such profound pain? I thought maybe this was the universe's way of telling me I wasn't meant to have cats after all. At all.

Funnily enough, it was on the hubby's insistence that brought them back into our lives. He wanted a mouse catcher. So I responded to a giver's posting of kittens for adoption, mistakenly assuming there was only one due to the language barrier. Actually there was a litter of 7 to choose from! 

I had often wondered what kind of cat I would choose to be my own and just as I was considering how I would select 2 out of the litter of 7, I was relieved of that choice. I had arrived at the giver's home and we spoke at her gate. As the kittens were all running amok she had to go search for them and the first two she brought out became mine. So none of my cats were actually chosen by me - they chose me, or perhaps fate chose them for me.

This year taught me that love and loss are two sides of the same coin. Oscar showed me how beautiful it is when trust builds slowly. Chinook taught me to cherish every purr, every moment. And now these kittens are teaching me that it's okay to open my heart again.

I miss Oscar's gentle paw kneading. I miss Chinook's powerful purrs. But their brief presence in my life made me a better cat mom, and for that, I'll always be grateful. As I watch Arturo and Estrella play, I like to believe that somewhere, Oscar and Chinook are watching too, purring their approval of these little ones who are helping to heal my heart.

Something I Want To Say To Someone

Events such as these really made me  appreciate and cherish those around me. When I chanced upon posts that remind one to seize the day rather than living with regrets, they really spurred me into action. I don't believe in waiting anymore. With the exception of my ex-es, specifically those I'm not in contact with anymore. 

I'm very fortunate to still be on really good terms with some of my ex-es. But there are a few that I have lost touch with and still think of. Once, after reading the following quote, I really wanted to reach out to someone who had been in my thoughts but eventually decided against. 

Why? To borrow the words of John Green, my thoughts then were like stars I couldn't fathom into constellations and without a valid reason to reach out, it felt unfair to do so and disrupt an otherwise acceptable status quo.

However, with every death and loss i experienced, this became a conflict I rehashed again and again. I wish there is a simpler (easier? cleaner?) way of reaching out. 

Perhaps this blog post is the compromise my heart will settle for. 

"Hey you, you are in my thoughts and I hope you are well. Wishing nothing but the best for you. YAIMH."

Saying Goodbye to Grandma..

My ah ma was a tough woman. She lived through WWII, borne 9 children and pretty much brought up myself and 4 other cousins single-handedly when we were younger. I remember days when we kids got so rowdy in her 4-room flat that she had to shout at us while preparing meals or washing and hanging up laundry.

I remember her cooking - pork chops coated with biscuit crumbs, thick meat porridge with my favourite ketchup and made from scratch ngoh hiang which we only got to enjoy during CNY. Her homecooked meals were her communication of love for us.
 
I remember the white powder that she liked to put on just as other women of her era did - my first introduction to make-up. Though she rarely looked made up, I thought she was beautiful, especially when she smiled. 

Around the time when I started JC, days spent at grandma's house got fewer and fewer but when I do visit, I would definitely get my favourite dish of tomato egg. We would sit together to watch TV programmes; she would ask me for the time and that was one thing I became pretty good at in hokkien; or she would ask me to do little chores like turning on the light or turning off the fan.

We could hardly hold a conversation together but I loved being cheeky with her, teasing her about this or that. When I got older, one thing I often "told" her was to stop smoking. I would gestured taking the cigarette out of mouth and putting it out and she would often just smile and wave me off.

Once, I got really upset with her because she didn't want a wheelchair that enabled her to wheel herself around. She wanted one that only had the option of being pushed around although she still had strength in her arms. It seemed to me that she had given up then.

It was last February during one of my visits that it finally dawned on me that the time might be near. She was frail, no longer walking and hardly speaking. I remember holding her hand and feeling her soft yet easily bruised skin. She was still her cheeky self, smiling and teasing me about my then-boyfriend. I remember thinking to myself that I want more pictures with ah ma..

20th Jan 19: Birthday celebration! Ah ma was 93 years old. Technically it was celebrating both our birthdays as we share the same lunar birthday. She was happy with her cake and all the little ones running around her.

7th Feb 19: On the second day of CNY, she was hospitalised. I visited her and sat mostly silently by her bedside. Looking at all the tubes on her, sensing the discomfort she was experiencing, I took her hand and silently thought to myself. "I would love for you to be at my wedding, I want so much for you to be at my wedding, I want to serve the granddaughter and grandson-in-law tea to you. But you don't have to stay for that, you don't have to stay at all. You can go, ah ma..."

10th Feb 19: I was greeted with countless messages and missed calls on my phone after finishing a yoga class. Frantically hailed a cab and rushed down to the hospital with a pounding heart. She took a while but she opened her eyes when she heard that I had arrived. Then she gave an even bigger welcome to my then-fiance, the yandao. She survived that day.

17th Feb 19: She appeared better, was able to recognize more of us, spoke more coherently and once again was asking for the time every now and then. I thought she looked really cute when she smacked her lips together. Then she showed us what she was capable of by blowing bubbles into a straw. Definitely A+++ for you ah ma!

25th Feb 19: She was well enough to be transferred from the hospital to a community hospital. Everything went smoothly and transportation plans for her from the new venue to the wedding venue were considered. Everyone was in high spirits.

2nd Mar 19: I was called to the hospital although I had planned to meet my jiemeis to discuss the wedding day schedule. I arrived within an hour to see her with an oxygen mask covering half her face. With the help of my aunt, she presented me with the golden bangles she had asked my aunt to purchase for me the day before. Pictures were taken. I thanked her with a kiss on her forehead. My family told me to proceed with my plans.

After meeting with my jiemeis, I got another call to return to the hospital, this time with Axel. When we arrived, she had been moved to a private room and almost all family members in town were present. After waiting for the tea cups to arrive, we served tea to ah ma and received her blessings. More pictures and video were taken. She looked really alert and agreed that the tea was sweet. Although all of us were prepared for the worst that night, her condition improved well enough to be transferred back to her previous common room.

7-8th Mar 19: It was my Guo Da Li day and as per tradition, Axel was required to prepare a special angbao just for ah ma. My dad delivered it to her the following day and she opened her eyes for this picture of her with the angbao that was rightfully hers.

10th Mar 19: One week to the wedding. Visited ah ma with Axel. Her limbs felt cold and she complained that her legs were aching. Tried to make her comfortable by moving her limbs for her. Held her hands and she would tightened her grip on mine. Told her to sleep and rest. Questioned the doctor about the tips of her fingers and he called us aside to tell us to be prepared.

11th Mar 19: While out running errands for the wedding with Axel, my mind constantly thought of  ah ma. Can one ever be fully prepared for such an event? I received the news via Whatsapp while we were in a crowded MRT train. Initially I was calm, but as I leaned into Axel and buried my face in his chest, the tears just overcame me. The realisation that she was gone was just too much.

Then I received a call from my brother to remind me to stay away and not participate in the funeral. Am I really not allowed to say my last goodbye? Another call from my mum then another from an aunt. Some indignation and fresh tears each time. Perhaps it really was for the best that I was absent.

That day, the skies opened and rain hammered down after a long dry spell.

13th Mar 19: As I was kept up to date via our family group chat without being able to be physically present, I tried to go about my normal days, doing things that I routinely do. I was okay. I talked to my friends and was comforted. I attended my usual yoga class. The necessity to turn inwards and focus on my gaze, body and breath made it unnecessary to constantly remind myself that life goes on. I felt great that I was able to execute all the poses.. until savasanah. Totally relaxed, the mind went right back to ah ma and I pretty much burst into tears.

15th Mar 19: It was the appointed day for Axel and I to collect our marriage certificate from ROM. It was also the day ah ma was to be cremated. With an insane need to do something, we headed for the beach in ECP. Both of us folded some origami boats, I gathered some fallen white flowers and set the little memorial boats adorned with flowers out to sea. Rituals do have meaning. For me, that simple act was significant and comforting. I know my ah ma loves me and that I am in her heart as much as she will always be in mine.

 
Ang Char (1926 - 2019) is survived by 9 children, 6 children-in-law, 17 grandchildren, 9 grandchildren-in-law and 7 great-grandchildren.

dive-eat-sleep-repeat

Just returned from a vacation. As I was out at sea for 4 days and nights, am still feeling landsick (ie: as though still floating in water when standing on firm ground). But. What a glorious holiday filled with so many firsts:

·        1^st time holidaying with May and Bee

·        1^st time to pack so little for a 6 days trip

·        1^st time in Similan Islands, Khao Lak

·        1^st time  to experience liveonboard

·        1^st time losing my snorkelling mask

·        1^st time losing my dive group while underwater

·        1^st time writing in a dive logbook

Yes. Finally started a dive log, albeit most reluctantly. It was good fun to sit down and do or copy “homework” after each dive. I learnt that it’s up to me! So I don’t have to stress over identifying the multitude of species of sea creatures but just pen down my feelings and experiences instead. I can do that! And certainly not restricted to dives… time to dust off the many (empty) travel journals I acquired…

Although I should be excused as it was my first liveonboard experience, I did feel that I didn’t pack right.. well.. at least I didn’t overpack?!?! Still, there were many items I wished I had with me during the trip. I wished I brought along rashguard and long tights – not at all proud of the ugly tan lines across my thighs and upper arms.. =/ also realised it’s time I invest in more than just a mask for diving, booties or even socks will prevent blisters from fins! Thankfully my 2 hair ties lasted the trip but can never have too many hair ties when you do not want hair to obscure the beautiful scenes the ocean has to offer.. can’t believe I left all 6 or 7 sarongs at home! Certainly a better between-dives-attire than just a tee.. Even though I set out not wanting to be bothered with photo taking, I really should have brought along at least one memory device! Finally, bring a multi-colors pen!!!

 

It was a very, immensely, awesomely enjoyable trip! I keep recalling my huge, sunny smiles and the emotions of joy and carefreeness throughout the trip. Even before arriving in Thailand, I was filled with excitement in anticipation.

At various points: having Dylan and Erica to send me off at the airport, performing the “manta call”, discovering the tiny beings – shrimps, nudibranchs, ghost pipefish, mothfish – to catching sight of the big guys – moray eels, trigger fish, marbled stingray, manta ray and whaleshark! -, showering off in the warmth of the sun after dives, indulging in delicious food and sinful snack of toasted egg and ham sandwich, jumping off the boat into the sea and jump shots out of clear waters, reaching the top of Sail Rock, watching stars and sunsets, relaxing in the pool of an amazing resort, suntanning by the beach with a book… the list can really go on and on.. Oh! Having someone assumed that I am a model?!?! Haha… =)

 

 

 

 

There had been a point when I thought I would never be able to enjoy holidays again… without a special someone to hold my hand while transiting, to surprise me with flowers in the room, to share and enjoy the unique sights and sounds with, to kiss and cuddle up to at night… The sense of loss still comes sometimes but I certainly realised that I had not been as free as I had in the last week for some years now…

I am okay.

Oh. Happy international day of happiness.. =)