Paw Prints on my Heart

 

I don't even remember when my love affair with cats began.

Hello Kitty is certainly a source. But how did swooning over the cat with no mouth transition into an indescribable love for the real deal of sleek, coolness, and independence - I am unsure.

I remember making a declaration "I love all cats! - except Garfield" I could never resist spending time with cats. You have a cat? Can I come visit? If I come across a stray, I would pause even if it is just to say "hello there!" Eventually, it led to volunteering for Cat Welfare Society, buying of cat calendars, regular feeding of community cats, seeking out cat cafes and even the cat village of Houtong. Everyone knew me to be the cat person who, ironically, didn't have a cat. Until I moved to Uruguay.

Oscar was first. He was so shy initially, always keeping his distance, but I had no doubt we were meant to be. I loved watching him as he kneads his front paws, while eating from his bowl or before settling into his favorite spot for a nap. When he first jumped on my lap, the gentle press of his paws seemed to say "I am learning to trust you." 

When we lost Oscar, it felt like someone had punched a hole through my heart. The untouched food bowl, the empty corners where he used to nap - everything felt wrong. I wasn't ready to say goodbye, not when we had barely begun our journey together.

Then Chinook came into my life. Her constant purring was like a healing balm to make all things right again. She purred so much, so loudly - we named her after the just as deafening helicopter. We didn't know then that her sweet purring might have been trying to tell us something. That perhaps her body was already fighting battles we couldn't see.

Losing two cats within six months... I never imagined such heartbreak when I dreamed of being a cat mom. How could something I wanted for so long bring such profound pain? I thought maybe this was the universe's way of telling me I wasn't meant to have cats after all. At all.

Funnily enough, it was on the hubby's insistence that brought them back into our lives. He wanted a mouse catcher. So I responded to a giver's posting of kittens for adoption, mistakenly assuming there was only one due to the language barrier. Actually there was a litter of 7 to choose from! 

I had often wondered what kind of cat I would choose to be my own and just as I was considering how I would select 2 out of the litter of 7, I was relieved of that choice. I had arrived at the giver's home and we spoke at her gate. As the kittens were all running amok she had to go search for them and the first two she brought out became mine. So none of my cats were actually chosen by me - they chose me, or perhaps fate chose them for me.

This year taught me that love and loss are two sides of the same coin. Oscar showed me how beautiful it is when trust builds slowly. Chinook taught me to cherish every purr, every moment. And now these kittens are teaching me that it's okay to open my heart again.

I miss Oscar's gentle paw kneading. I miss Chinook's powerful purrs. But their brief presence in my life made me a better cat mom, and for that, I'll always be grateful. As I watch Arturo and Estrella play, I like to believe that somewhere, Oscar and Chinook are watching too, purring their approval of these little ones who are helping to heal my heart.

Falling Down the Chinese Drama Rabbit Hole (Again)

 do lovers wither when separated by vast seas

in all its beauty, the past can't be held

life after life we pledge ourselves

but how long before it forever

expansive world, infinite universe

we are but emotional beings

simply watching over each other

seemingly unfathomable, we understand

may I give my all in this lifetime

as it comes from the heart, I give freely

love like a dream evocative of fine wine

I just want to stay intoxicated

I desire all the world has to offer

joy or sorrow, they all come to pass like flowing rivers

...

...

Had been inspired to attempt this English translation of a beautiful Chinese song when I finally emerged from the drama-induced haze that was Chef Hua <人间烟火花小厨>.

My first experience with obsession over a drama series was for Scarlet Heart <步步惊心>. I had binge-watched all 35 episodes very quickly often forgetting sleep, meals, even toilet breaks. I loved it so much I even bought the book that it was adapted from after the visual feast for more mental indulgence in the art of Chinese literature.

But that experience also left me so overwhelmed that I swore them off entirely. The intensity of the experience, the way it consumed my thoughts and time, shocked me. I promised myself: never to blindly follow the fad of chasing dramas again.

For nearly 10 years I had been successful. I avoided popular dramas fervently. Even if a short footage that I chanced upon intrigued me, I would strengthen my resolve to not start the series for fear of falling into that rabbit hole again.

Last year I succumbed. I had more time on hand; the hubby was out of town; I was getting interested in cooking... so when the close-up shots of cooking Chinese cuisine in Chef Hua caught my eye, I gave it a go.

It was the flint that started an inevitable forest fire.

I tried to rein myself in. When I wanted to start on Love like a Galaxy, <星汉灿烂> but saw that it had more than 50 episodes, I thought I found a good compromise when I found some "watch-it-in-one-go" YouTube videos of it. Just 2 hours is better than 50 x 45 mins right? But I was only deceiving myself and made things worse because I was so impressed and intrigued and obsessed that I watched longer and longer versions and eventually went back to watching the original series anyway! All 40+ hours and sometimes I even re-watched favourite scenes. Kill me.

With easy access via Netflix and YouTube to a wide variety of Chinese dramas that are being produced incessantly, one drama led to another with no end in sight. Over the past year, I have been sliding down the slippery slope of drama addiction once again into a world of complex story lines, historical epics, and modern rom-coms. 

For the talent that is Leo Wu, I watched The Long Ballard <长歌行> to Nothing but You <爱情而已>. I started on Amidst a Snowstorm of Love <在暴雪时分> but amazingly am not completing it because it lost its appeal. Because of the multi-talented Liu Yuning who is also a great singer and the original talent from Scarlet Heart that is Cecilia Liu, I indulged in A Journey to Love <一念关山> when I thought I would be stopping this crazy spree. In between, I completed Love Between Fairy and Devil <苍兰诀> and Only For Love <以爱为营> because of Dylan Wang. Most recently finished The Rational Life <理智派生活> with mummy, a fellow drama junkie.

My favourite of all the series thus far is A Romance of the Little Forest <两个人的小森林>. Initially I thought I would not be able to stand the over-the-top act-cuteness of Esther Yu but it appears that she is genuinely that way even in real life. Eventually even she grew on me although what kept me from abandoning it were the breathtaking scenery, the attractive Vin Zhang and the clever, smart and hilarious banter between the main lead characters who are intellectuals. Not to forget the recurring feature of one of my favourite books, The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho, and the sustainability theme which is a passion of both leads. *Swoon* So many of what I love in one series!

It really is a lighthearted and healing drama series. The cinematography often bathes scenes in warm, natural light, evoking a sense of comfort and rejuvenation. It was while *re-watching* one such scene where the female lead mistakenly assumed the male lead is leaning in for a kiss when it finally dawned on me. This was a series that I had curbed myself from watching previously! All I remember of the footage were the luminous frame of an inviting foyer, a sharp-witted dialogue, and an unusually long series title that involved greenery. The irony of my initial resistance to 'A Little Romance in the Forest' becoming my favorite drama is almost comical.

All these series have introduced me to talented actors, beautiful music, fascinating historical details, and clever storytelling. They've improved my understanding of Chinese language and culture, and provided countless hours of entertainment. As I ponder my Chinese drama obsession, I find myself in two minds. Part of me worries about the time I'm investing/wasting and the intensity of my interest. Yet another part revels in the joy, learning, and cultural exploration these dramas bring into my life.

Actually, I had not completed that translation of the song I shared at the beginning of this post. I am unable to adequately translate the last two lines which can also be encapsulated in the song's title "人间烟火". Its literal translation would be "the smoke and fire of the human world" but these four basic characters encompass so much more. It often represents the simple pleasures and small comforts of daily life. It can mean an in-depth appreciation of ordinary life. It can also symbolize the connection to humanity and the earthly realm, as opposed to the supernatural or divine. 

So for more than a year now, I had been grappling with its true meaning. Do I translate it as:

• "the enormity of our lives", 
• "the daily life of ordinary people", 
• "the hustle and bustle of human society", 
• "the warmth and vitality of everyday life",
• "the trivial but essential aspects of human existence"
• "The flavor of everyday life"
• "The warmth of human touch"
• "The pulse of the mortal world"
• "The heartbeat of society"?

Its complexity has me stumped. Interestingly, it is also this phrase (which kept reappearing in my series marathon) that encapsulates much of what I love about Chinese dramas - the portrayal of human living in all its everyday glory and complexity. 

So, obsession or not, I am going to allow myself to be continuously surprised and delighted by "the essence of human experience"!

Catching My First Show in Uruguay - Alice by MOMIX

Actually I was feeling quite sad about missing multiple performances (Ed Sheeran, Bruno Mars, Drum Tao, Aaron Kwok etc etc) playing in Singapore and that region. In comparison, Uruguay does not feel like a preferred destination for world-class performances as most acts would perform in nearby Argentina or Brazil. (Though Paul McCartney and Lenny Kravitz are some upcoming concerts in Uruguay.) But after catching this MOMIX production in an undeniably top-notch auditorium, I stand corrected. 

First time purchasing tickets for a show in Uruguay, it was quite an experience. It appears that tickets can only be purchased online which actually is advantageous for me as I could slowly Google Translate everything to make sure I am not making mistakes during the process. And thank goodness we already have our local identity cards as that was required! Though I got a little concerned that the online transaction did not include a Two-Factor Authentication (so used to that in Singapore!) or any kind of security measures. And since the postal service here is so unreliable, my only other option is to print the e-ticket myself.

 

Honestly thought the first show I would catch here would be at the famous Teatro Solis which looked modern enough but this show was held at an unfamiliar auditorium. A quick check of the map reveals that it is located near the Airbnb where we stayed for a month in Montevideo. Based on the condition of the surrounding area, I was not sure what to expect of this auditorium. I wondered if it would be at least comparable with the Drama Centre Theatre of Singapore which is located within a library building. But I overworried. Auditorio Nacional Adela Reta looked really impressive and inviting as we drove through some really run-down roads to arrive at its entrance.

 

As neither my companion nor I had any idea of the quality of the show or venue, our budget for the tickets was not high. We booked the lowest tier tickets which naturally were not stall seats. The printed tickets were of course in Spanish and we could not really make sense of where to find our seats. I expected to climb stairs but did not expect to be sent upwards so many times; my video of us finding our seats was one of us getting rejected at multiple entrances! 

 

When we finally found our seats, I was actually quite satisfied. Usually, I prefer to have a frontal view of the stage but beggars can't be choosers and I liked the proximity to the stage. We noticed that the hall was quite empty and was concerned that the show would not start on time. It was actually a good thing because when the lights dimmed, all (really all) the other audience who bought the same tickets as us moved to the better front-viewing seats! Of course we followed suit! So we kind of got a free upgrade of seats. Judging from the fact that this happened under the eyes of the usher who brought us to our seats and the way the other audience were all standing around instead of getting comfortable in their allocated seats, this is a common and accepted behavior. Wow..

Although Facebook can really be a time-waster, I am so thankful for it because I would not had discovered MOMIX without it. The production is exceptional. From the very first act, I was captivated. Such grace, ingenuity, and seamless integration of dancers, props, lighting and music. It reminded me of my Synergy days where my idol dance instructor Fan Laoshi created similar productions with not-as-talented student dancers. The more I watched, a little spark in me got reignited. If anyone asked me, "What is your dream?"... my dream is to be a d.a.n.c.e.r. Truly, there is nothing I want more but perhaps that is precisely why it is called a dream. It is feeling further than ever. I miss the days when I was dancing more, from contemporary to pole to silks, when I was known as "the dancer" among my friends. Must find some clases de baile aqui!

 

There exist such incredible performing groups who deserved to be world famous but would remain unknown in other parts of the world. I would never had heard of MOMIX if I was not here in Uruguay. They got a new fan in me! And if they ever go to a theatre near you, do not miss it!!

#momix #alicebymomix #dreamofbeingadancer

#worldclass #worldclassperformance #worldclassauditorium #auditorionacionaladelareta

Restarting the Engine

A casual chat with a friend recently led to the revival of my LinkedIn account. 

Not something I thought would happen after failing to transition into a new industry that I was aiming for with my Masters in Science Communication back in 2018, and certainly far from my considerations after moving halfway around the world to a vastly different setting from my birthplace last year.

When I was still in the education service, as fulfilling as it had been, I eventually came to an understanding of what I do not want and what I do want out of my career. Unfortunately, the list of do-nots was disproportionately longer than the dos in my role as a teacher. So I left. 

I was optimistic about my "new" prospects in what I considered to be a niche industry for which I had deep passion for. Until I simply was, not. Around the same time, the husband began his research into migrating to a more preferable, desirable country. The whole notion of landing a "sustainability focused, financially rewarding, energetically flowy" career was just, shelved.

Honestly thought I read enough self-help materials to realize the dangers of attaching my sense of identity to work. However, beyond that, I truly believe I have so much more to give and offer than just being a housewife. Thus I promptly got into action when the said friend mentioned the availability of remote roles on LinkedIn!

 

The engine has successfully restarted. 

Well, at least I am pleased and confident enough to share my latest sample work as a freelance writer on Stoicism. Coincidentally, a philosophy that resonated with me after learning about Marcus Aurelius. Even more serendipitous that I just finished his Meditations! Intrigued? Read my introduction to a book on this timeless philosophy.. (although it is targeted at youngsters, I truly think Stoicism is for everybody!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Introduction

External things are not the problem. It’s your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now. -Marcus Aurelius

I stumbled upon the above quote in the aftermath of uncertainties brought about by the Covid-19 pandemic. Life is an ever-changing landscape that shaped our roller-coaster journey through which we navigate essentially alone. The pandemic with its enforced isolation had brought out the uglier side of humanity. It was against such a depressive backdrop that this little bit of Stoic philosophy stood out for me like a beacon of clarity and wisdom.

Discovering Stoicism: A Turning Point

Imagine it is 2020. The coronavirus is spreading to all parts of the world. We are isolated. The news that we get each day consists of which new country has it landed in, the number of infected people, the shortage of supplies, the difficulties, the inconveniences. The death toll. My mind is clouded with anxiety, frustration, and helplessness. I go through the mechanics of the day like a zombie. But when I read this quote, it shone through the darkness like a torch of a thousand suns. Indeed we have the power to erase the actual problem.

A Personal Odyssey: Applying Stoic Principles

From the genius of Marcus Aurelius, I studied other key figures of Stoicism including Zeno of Citium, Seneca and Epicetus. Each ancient had me delved ever deeper into Stoic philosophy and I found myself embracing the concept of identifying what lies within my sphere of control and letting go of all that lies without. It has transformed not just my perspective but my very approach to living.   

The Essence of Stoicism

Stoicism may seem like an abstract philosophy but to put it plainly, it is a way of life. The core of which is the pursuit of eudaimonia - a state of “flourishing" that is the result of living in accordance with nature and virtue (Pigliucci, 2024). When one practices this diligently, it is equivalent to gaining a superpower that helps one to stay strong and calm when the going gets tough.

The Relevance of Stoicism To Young People

As a secondary school teacher for more than a decade, I have witnessed first-hand the many challenges and difficulties faced by young people. From academic struggles and social pressures to mental health issues and family problems, youngsters can use all the help they can get to navigate all kinds of situations and overcome obstacles. I wish I had discovered Stoicism earlier so that more of my students could have benefited from my knowledge of Stoicism. It is evident to me that its core principles offer a crucial guiding light in chaotic times, a roadmap for them to navigate life’s tumultuous seas of the growing up years.

Walking the Stoic Path: A Call to Action

Here let me formally invite you to discover for yourself the timeless wisdom of Stoicism. It is the wish of all teachers for our students, young people who will be the leaders of tomorrow, to achieve their fullest potential. The Stoic Path can guide and lead you on a journey of powerful transformation if you weave its principles into the fabric of your life. May this exploration be your source of inspiration and empowerment, guiding you through the vicissitudes of puberty and beyond with courage and grace.

Goodbye Oscar..

We buried Oscar this morning.

He had been missing for days. Which was not unusual. He had been gone for a day or two before. The food we had put out was still disappearing, even though some days it was totally untouched. 

It was almost like when we first met him. He was super shy and ran away at the sight or sound of us. It took weeks before hubby got close enough to stroke him. Then pretty soon he couldn't get enough of our caresses.

I remember the first time he jumped on my lap; the one time he let my face come so close to his that we nose bumped; the last time he hung out with me as I sat in the front yard. He was such a source of joy and comfort.

By the fifth day, I got sufficiently concerned that I went out of our compound to search for him, knowing full well that the chances of finding him that way were slim. I even looked in drains along the road.

Hubby found him. A black mess among trash, ravaged by maggots. He must had passed the first day he went missing. Seeing the pendant I put on him just a month ago confirmed it's him.

Strangely I did not cry. About 5 years ago, I was quite emotional when I had to say goodbye to a community cat which I fed a couple times a week. Granted I had been feeding Tux for about a year while we only really knew Oscar for 3 months.

Perhaps it is age or maturity but it was a quiet acceptance as hubby and I stood where he decided would be his final resting place. Away from us but not that far off where we would never find him? 

Perhaps as the number of days he went missing increased, we had already started accepting that the chances of him reappearing alive were decreasing. There really was not much that we could do but hope for his return.

So it was with composure and resolute that we did what was necessary to move his body and bury him. I got the necessary equipment and hubby transported him to a secluded corner and started digging.

It was difficult to look at Oscar's body. He had such soft and smooth fur that was .. no more. He had been so graceful and light on his paws but it looked nothing more than dead weight. He had serenaded me with his gentle purring and it was so silent.

Perhaps the tears will come after all.

Confessions of a Mahjong Addict

The other night, I played mahjong. By myself. 

Yes, myself playing all 4 winds or "sides" of the table.
I did not even use a square table.
I did not even have a full set of tiles.
I did not even play with normal size tiles. 

I was that desperate to play. Actually no. I invited the hubby to join me (even though he barely knows the game) but he was too exhausted from work that day. But I wanted to play something. I had brought both my miniature mahjong tiles and my bead pyramid IQ puzzle to our trapezium-shaped study desk and thought I self-entertain a little before sleep. 

I didn't think I would enjoy a solo mahjong session, with tiny feather-light tiles, but as it has been months (4 to be exact!) since I last played mahjong, I chose that over the IQ puzzle.

The miniature set was bought off Carousell because I like mahjong and I like tiny things. It was also inexpensive being secondhand. At that point in time, my personal Hello Kitty set was with a friend and I just wanted a set to begin introducing the hubby to my favourite game so I purchased it even though it was missing the animals. 

With the missing animals and solo playing, I figured I would go easy on the rules and just go back to the basics of getting 4 sets and a pair of eyes for a win. So easy-peasy. Thought I would bore quickly...

how I missed these 4 walls

I played for more than 2 hours.
Even though I had to think for 4 "players".
Even though I had to set up all 4 walls after each round.
Even though I got confused at least 4 times "whose" turn it was.

Thing is, despite the simplistic rules, the mental effort required, and the lack of satisfaction from discarding a normal size mahjong tile of substantial weight with style, I still enjoy the game. 😍

unique solo mahjong setup

It is so gratifying to draw that one tile you had been banking on; the pleasure of seeing the sets you envisioned falling into place; that ultimate vindication of winning on that last available tile you needed. Amazingly, even the heartache of drawing another hong zhong 🀄 after finally letting one go on the previous turn does not lessen with the reduced size of the tiles!

this was a big win!

As I had to oversee 4 arrays of tiles, the longish table actually worked pretty well. The tiles for the dealer always comes first. So east, south, west, then north down the length of the table. It was also helpful that I was on a rolling desk chair!

long table is good for solo mahjong! And another big win!

Although I was not playing with money or chips, the "pro" in me still gravitated towards qing yi se, ban se, ping hu and peng peng hu. I was not even counting the tai, but after a few rounds I got curious about which side of the "table" is becoming the "big winner" and began to track "who" is winning.

so amused by how I named the 4 directions of the "table"

Initially I only used the first letter of the different directions but decided to give them names eventually. It appears Libby's fengshui was not so good. Odd that that was the side where my notebook with red cover stood. Hmm...

Anyway, yes, I confess I am a mahjong addict.

The following day, we had a power outage on the estate which lasted for quite some time. Guess what I thought of. I suggested playing mahjong to the hubby and he agreed! He really did not have many alternative things to do. 😂

We got a rectangular table and sat in the living room with lots of natural light. He was "Timmy" (well, he can't be a Tammy right?) and "Ronny" while I became "Libby" and "Betty". I could have played for 3 but it was not hubby's first time so with his intelligence, I was sure he could handle it.

Because I really wanted him to play with me for a long time, I put on my teacher's hat and really tried to make the learning process easier and smoother for him. Kept the rules simple and allowed no tai wins (personalised learning). When he couldn't remember the chinese characters for numbering, I provided a pictorial reference (scaffolding). After every round, I explicitly explained my tiles on hand and my strategy (modeling) and also discussed his tiles and strategy (feedback). Most importantly, I was very patient. At his playing speed, most of my mahjong kakis would want a new kaki!

the scaffold provided to hubby. actually much better versions available online

Maybe it had to do with the name Libby by the end of 1 round (each player being dealer at least once), Libby did not win a single time while Ronny was the ultimate winner. Yes, my hubby won more times than me.

this got to be the ultimate no tai win

I must find our square table so I can finally use my Hello Kitty mahjong tiles but first, I need 2 more players! Let's start a mahjong club in Uruguay??!! Playing mahjong comes with a slew of benefits!!!! Or do you prefer a scientific research conclusion?

好心疼妳

Yesterday, I turned on the laptop and had started a new entry on my blog with the intention for something entirely different.

The instant when I found out about your death, my immediate response was an audible "NO!".

Disbelief, shock, horror, and pain... so much pain. 

Whatever else I had planned for the day just went down the drain. I felt so paralyzed from doing anything constructive. 

I thought about just catching up on news about you. Although I idolize you, I had no idea what you had been up to. But it felt too much. Every snippet of you smiling, spreading sunshine and positivity felt almost.. threatening. Not even you...??

I was afraid my own thoughts will spiral down a path I dare not tread so I chose to distance myself from the news. I asked a friend out last minute and had a wonderful dinner. With champagne no less. Life does go on.

A brand new day. Begun with yoga and a fulfilling day to look forward to. 

But news related to you is hard to avoid. So many artistes shared about their interactions with you. All praises and reflections of the beautiful soul you had been. More than your singing or your dancing, I admire you for you, who you are had been as a person, a human being.

It made no sense but tears kept welling. Perhaps I should just allow myself a marathon to review all you had achieved in life. Allow these tears to flow freely. Cry my heart out but remember you at your best and celebrate you.

I listened to your final voice recording. I watched that clip of you relearning how to walk and declaring yourself a warrior. You will always be my idol. 

Late is the night, I am supposed to be sleeping. But in the darkness my pillow is  dampening.

I cannot imagine the helplessness that you must had felt to come to this decision.

真的好心疼妳 

HELPLINES

Mental well-being

• Institute of Mental Health’s Mental Health Helpline: 6389-2222 (24 hours)
• Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 (24 hours) /1-767 (24 hours)
• Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-283-7019
• Silver Ribbon Singapore: 6386-1928
• Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 
• Community Health Assessment Team 6493-6500/1 

Counselling

• TOUCHline (Counselling): 1800-377-2252
• TOUCH Care Line (for seniors, caregivers): 6804-6555
• Care Corner Counselling Centre: 6353-1180

Online resources

• mindline.sg
• stayprepared.sg/mymentalhealth
• eC2.sg
• www.tinklefriend.sg
• www.chat.mentalhealth.sg
• carey.carecorner.org.sg (for those aged 13 to 25)
• limitless.sg/talk (for those aged 12 to 25)