a bucket list item that i can never tick off

I don't actually upkeep a physical copy but I do have a bucket list. Many items are quite typical and I am proud to say I have ticked off quite a few "riskier" ones - skydiving!!

This particular item on the list was not exactly difficult to achieve. Pre-Covid, the husband had even alluded to the possibility of making this dream of mine a reality. Although it requires neither guts nor strength, it will take planning, time, money and lots of luck too..

There was one particular period years ago when weekdays 5pm was sacred to me. I did not want to be anywhere else other than in front of the TV. It was one hour for me to escape. My me-time when no matter how the earlier work day had been, I got to let my hair down, dance, laugh, cry and recharge for another day. 

At some point, I told myself "I want to, I got to watch this live". 

As it was not as easy as taking a bus to Caldecott Hill, for the longest time I made do with the recorded, (overly-censored) and televised versions and became quite the fan. 

Case in point: blue had always been my least favourite colour but I began to take a liking to the blue associated with the show.

 

When work made it impossible to catch the show regularly, I binge-watched it on YouTube or wherever and whenever I can. I gushed over it and her a lot. So much so that two different friends bought her book for me separately.

When the possible plan of watching the show live got dashed with the pandemic, I indulged myself with her signature gift box as a 40th birthday gift to myself. It was a real indulgence when I found out the postage cost.

I was still hopeful about ticking off this item on the bucket list when I was unboxing my present. 

But the last episode had been filmed and aired. The end of a season, forever.

Feeling incredibly sad. Not just because I am now unable to tick off this item. Also what had led to this end. How my faith in my most favourite person in the world had wavered. How I had thought Ellen could be anything more than human. 

I still love you. Be kind to one another. Right back at you.

Something Nice Someone Did For Me

This happened just last week. 

My originally good day just turned sour along with the weather. Thus my mood was about as dark as the skies as I made my way to an appointment with someone whom I have never met. 

As it had started raining and I was without an umbrella, I texted H to inform that I would be late as I was hoping the rain would ease a little before I make my way to her house. 

She replied and offered to fetch me from the bus stop?! I don't think I would have thought of doing that for someone I do not know. I had already resigned myself to being late (and drenched) for the following appointment that this unexpected kind offer took me completely by surprise. 

As the plan was to find her to collect an item, I suggested that it would be simpler if she could just bring the item to me instead. Again she totally need not do this favor for me but she agreed. I waited patiently and dry in the shelter, mood significantly improved. 

When she arrived to meet me, not only did she bring said item, she brought an extra umbrella just for me to keep me dry for the rest of the day! I was so shocked and touched that I gave her a hug! What a beautiful soul! And my day was all good again.. 🤩

When I got home, I immediately wrote and sent her a Christmas card to express my heartfelt gratitude. Yesterday, she received it. 🥰

Something Nice That I Did For Others

This reminded me of a Facebook post I chanced upon in November. I really like it because I want to be that kind of a force of goodness. 

I have done all the examples listed with just two exceptions. I don't have the habit of tipping especially since it is uncommon here in Singapore. But I definitely can be more generous with tip boxes I come across.. though I often made it a point to publicly compliment good service I received. Should use this new Service. I Like. initiative more! 

The other one of waving at police just feels weird if I'm by myself! The last time when I was out cycling with the kiddos, I encouraged them to say hi to some NParks officers at work. One waved back but did not answer their question of what they were doing on a boat in a lake. 🤣

Everything else has pretty much become second nature to me. Holding doors, giving way, greeting and smiling at others, sharing food and being patient are really not that difficult at all. Oftentimes, I find these little acts of kindness bring about interesting interactions that I would otherwise not enjoy.

Some I absolutely love and can't resist doing. Entertaining babies? I once had a staring competition with one. More than thumbs-up, I had also winked and stuck my tongue out at kids on a regular basis. 😜

Finally, buying coffee for a stranger is exactly what Suspended Coffee, the page where I saw this post, is all about. In Singapore, we had the Chope Food for Needy (didn't realize it was that long ago! ) and more recently the Belanja Eat which I attempted to start in a coffeeshop near me but the hawkers were not keen. 😔 Well, I'm always on the lookout for opportunities to treat another 🙂

Hope this inspires you to act in the name of kindness too 😍

How are you? Are you really ok?

<<I was challenged by a friend to raise awareness for PTSD earlier this month. I didn't feel up to that particular challenge 🤣 but I do want to speak out for all who may be suffering from mental illnesses and/or anxiety disorders. So here is me rising to the challenge in a different format. >>

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression are anxiety disorders listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the principal authority for psychiatric diagnoses. They are recognised conditions by experts so first and foremost we need to understand that people with these conditions are REALLY unable to just "get over it".

There are many good online resources explaining the details such as this one by SingHealth. Or you may prefer to watch the TED Talk video on it. Interestingly, almost all the Google search results and resources from Singapore focus on identifying symptoms and recommending treatments while the top result from a non-SG website is Time To Change whose focus is to end mental health discrimination. 

Time To Change has great suggestions for people who want to help and even an entire section on Personal Stories for people with mental conditions to share their experiences. It is also where I learnt to ask twice when checking in on people you are concerned about, hence the title of this blog. In Singapore, we have the Beyond The Label initiative by NCSS which I was only reminded of from Berni's Facebook post. So yes, raising awareness for this greatly misunderstood condition is the why I am writing this blog post.

Here are some of my personal experiences with mental conditions.

I have always been a rather emotional person. When I was younger, breaking up was so devastating to me emotionally that I probably slipped into depression a couple of times. I remembered distinctly one particular episode when I was working as The Little Gym instructor. To be professional, my job requires me to be energetic and approachable in front of full classes of up to 24 adults and children for 45 minutes stretch. I would be able to execute that, holding back tears and emotions when they threatened, and then totally break down behind closed doors right after the end of a class. Oh yes I handled it, if you call that handling it. I lost my appetite, grew really thin, and somewhat functioned in a zombie-like state. My dad, at a loss of what else to do, for the first time in our lives, wrote me an encouragement card in Mandarin.

Once, when I was eating a meal by myself, a stranger asked to join my table which I agreed. We started chatting but it became increasingly uncomfortable. When I tried to leave, he refused to let me out of his sight, put his arm around me and touched my bare skin. I was horrified and felt totally helpless even though it was broad daylight in a shopping center. It was only when I walked towards a security guard and voiced my objection did he let me go. I was shaking and crying as I recounted the incident at the police station, my best friend by my side. It is only today as I read this HealthHub webpage on post-traumatic stress reactions am I able to put a name to all that I felt and experienced for that period of time. 

During my career as a secondary school teacher, I shed tears on many occasions. Sometimes they were due to difficult students in challenging classes. There were moments when I felt ineffective in helping those under my charge. And there were times it seemed nothing I did would or could ever make a positive difference for those who I care deeply about. I am aware that I am a sensitive person. Pastoral care sessions in school were often my undoing. But I generally attribute those salty water to my disposition and in fact believe they are beneficial. However, one of my supervisors became concerned and suggested psychotherapy. So I received treatment. Initially I was slightly affected by the stigma and did not tell anyone about these sessions. But hey, now you know, I needed help to manage my emotions and those sessions with a certified psychologist really helped me.

A close friend of mine had turned to me when she was suffering from an anxiety attack. For a while, I held space for her, listened and supported her. As much as I love her, when the frequency of these distress calls kept increasing, I became impatient with her and even wanted to distance myself from her. Not proud to admit that I had judged her negatively in her time of need. Yet, it is also important to recognise that caring for someone with mental conditions is not easy and I have to acknowledge these mixed feelings I had towards her. Still love her!

Wow... quite a catharsis for me in penning this post. Then again, writing often is. But I hope I have also achieved my aim to raise awareness for PTSD, and mental conditions in general. Let's do our part to end mental health discrimination. Be kind to one another and spread love. 🎔

Ellen says..

I am a huge Ellen fan. I was almost a workaholic when I was working as a teacher but I tried my damnedest to make it home every workday at 5pm to catch her show on TV. I would dance along with her and the audience at the beginning of the show (if no one else was home), laugh out loud at her witty jokes, shed silent tears to the heart wrenching and/or heartwarming stories highlighted and really take to heart her constant reminder to "be kind to one another". Her show had been the most positive part of my otherwise stressful and monotonous life. Kind of a surprise to myself that she had only been mentioned once in my blog.

My friends know how much I idolise her. I am totally infatuated with her! I constantly made references to things, ideas, people, songs mentioned during the show in my conversations with others and come to think of it, many trendy things that I do know about are mostly because they had been featured in her show. Case in point, never laid eyes on SuperM until they performed live on her show. And I actually dislike the colour blue with the exception of what I call "Ellen blue". It is as though she can do no wrong such that even my least favourtie colour becomes acceptable when it is associated with her. So I talk (maybe gush is a better word) about her a lot. I have double copies of her books because I have sweet friends who think of me when they see her face. 

When she first started the Ellen Shop and began advertising her merchandise during the show, I often eyed them enviously. If I know of a friend going to or transiting in LA, I would be sorely tempted to ask for a gift from the shop. It is probably a great blessing in disguise that I do not live in USA because I probably could then set up a branch in my own house. 

Subsequently my inclination towards minimalisim all but squashed any of my desire to own Ellen items no matter how much I like them. Until she started her BE KIND by ellen box series. 
The internal struggle.....
~ a be kind box! awwww.....
* but it will be full of items that you won't need...
~ they are products that make a difference to the world!
* how much more dust collectors do you want to take care of?!?!
~ they are curated by Ellen!
* think of the environmental impact and of transporting it halfway round the world...
~ maybe just one??
...
...

Then my birthday came around... and although I was still struggling within... somehow... when you really want something the entire universe conspires to make it happen (feeling this a lot lately) and today I received it! It sparked so much joy in me just to unbox it! C'mon... it's Ellen... even if it was just chock-full of bubble wrap I would still be grinning from ear to ear. And the fact that I had no idea what the contents were made the unboxing all the more anticipative!

Ellen's note

I count the card with a note and signature by her an item on its own! Hahaha... the main point of the card is probably the descriptions of all the items within but this slightly bigger than A5 square tri-fold card with her gorgeous image on the cover is something I will treasure like all my Hello Kitty items!

Diff Eyewear

Aviator sunglasses! Haven't had one for a while and with every pair, the gift of sight is provided to someone in need. 👍 The hubby caught me at the moment when I was trying it on and pointed out that it would look better on him... so anniversary gift for him settled!

Vahdam Teas

Tumeric teas! Great timing when I am just trying to include more tumeric into our diet... Not sure if it will really be "BEST. TEA. EVER." as she put it but revenue goes towards education of the Indian tea growers' children - the educator in me approves! 

Quartet

A lasting dry-erase pad. Hmmm.... what will I do with my endless supply of scrap paper then? Hahaha... but I love the little message already on it... maybe I will just leave it there.... 🤔

Lotus Bags

Something that I have already decided against buying but lovely to actually own some! At least a percentage of profits is channeled to environmental charities.

BE KIND. Umbrella

Something from the Ellen Shop! So in the end I do own an Ellen merchandise after all. A straightforward reminder "when it's downpouring, literally and metaphorically". Certainly apt in the current Covid-19 situation. Can't wait to use it!

Little Renegades

Cards with basic mindfulness techniques for the little ones. Will definitely try them with Dylan and Erica and I imagine the cards will be very useful too if I take on some kids yoga classes...

Endangered Species Chocolate

Dark chocolates! Though not quite the percentage I prefer (these being only 55%) but helping gorillas (Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund) while enjoying a treat? Priceless.

Kind Lips

Lip balms that remind you to #SaySomethingKind and support anti-bullying initiatives. If I am still a teacher, this would be a consequence for any bully who does not understand how to shut up when you have nothing nice to say. Any teacher friends want them?


And that's it! The last time I was this excited about a parcel was when I ordered my leather backpack from Kickstarter. I am really not into online shopping but I think today I finally experienced a little of what regular Taobao kings and queens do with their consignments... 

Thank you Ellen! For being such an inspiration and beacon of light to me and to the world. I love my BE KIND box and I am so blessed to get it for my birthday!!!!!

Volunteering (on the day/in the name) of LOVE

This post is inspired by a couple of things - a newly minted video about #braveheartSG and a FB post by Dalai Lama a few hours ago. So you probably have watched the video before coming to this blog? Did you see me?!?! 😄😄

Dalai Lama says

Not only is it the case that happy people are more willing to help others, but as I generally point out, helping others is the best way to help yourself, the best way to promote your own happiness.
It is you, yourself, who will receive the benefit.

And that is really how I feel about volunteering. Many friends have commented that I am really kind and always helping others, doing a variety of different things to help people, animals and causes without asking anything in return. It appears a very big-hearted thing to do.

The truth is... , at least to some extent, it is a selfish act. I needed it. Many years back when I was a different depressive me, volunteerism saved me. Without it, I don't think I would have survived till now. I do not remember when but I had specifically thought to myself that I should not/would not/did not want to live past 40. It was very dark times.

I genuinely enjoy myself every time I am helping others. But more significantly, volunteerism opened my eyes to look past my own problems and really be objective to see how small they actually are in reality. Oftentimes, it had been a means of escape because when you are busy helping others, you conveniently forget about your own problems. A better solution than drowning your sorrows which I had succumbed to too..

Well, the more I do it the more I realise I CAN do. So even when it was no longer a "necessity" for me, I continue to serve in whatever capacity I can. Besides, I learn soooo much during these activities. From interpersonal skills to technical skills, like I mentioned in this post, I gained way more than what I gave. And that post on the Science of Kindness was also when I learnt that these seemingly selfless acts of mine are actually rather selfish. It was (perhaps still is) my way of loving myself.

Anyway, selfless or selfish, nothing is going to stop me from doing good now. Thankfully with the support of a very capable husband, I am even more able to help whenever wherever now. Thus I literally jumped at this chance to help give out love notes on Valentine's Day! It really had been dreadful to read about the stories of healthcare workers being discriminated. The situation is bad enough and we are being unkind to the very helpers keeping the situation under control?!?

As we were advised not to go directly to KTPH, we stationed ourselves at the nearby Yishun Interchange with our carts full of love notes and sweet treats. Very few nurses or healthcare workers in uniform came our way actually, so we had to make clever guesses often based on the lanyards people were wearing so we could get the items to the recipients! But the positive and heartfelt responses we received..... awww.... I can do this all day.... 🥰

Doing good with my oldie bestie and pals!

Thank you to all the Singaporeans (including PM Lee!) who took the time to pen a love note

What a way to come full circle.. to still be able to give on the day of love, on the day I thought I would not survive to see. Yup, I just turned 40 years old this past Valentine's Day! My fellow helper was bewildered when she knew... well, the science behind kindness mentioned something about aging too.. 😉

1. Dylan needs to see that we love him completely.

yes. we love him completely. the way he is. (bruno mars starts singing..)

it makes perfect sense that this is the very first point. it all boils down to love. to me, it means lots of hugs and kisses, smiles and laughter, cheers and encouragement. no matter what.

as of now, dylan is super lovable. but the terrible two does show up once in a while, then it becomes important to be firm. lovingly and kindly so. all The Little Gym spiels i am so familiar with are coming back to me. ha!

i pray we will always remember this point, especially when what dylan wants isnt what we want.