How are you? Are you really ok?

<<I was challenged by a friend to raise awareness for PTSD earlier this month. I didn't feel up to that particular challenge 🤣 but I do want to speak out for all who may be suffering from mental illnesses and/or anxiety disorders. So here is me rising to the challenge in a different format. >>

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression are anxiety disorders listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the principal authority for psychiatric diagnoses. They are recognised conditions by experts so first and foremost we need to understand that people with these conditions are REALLY unable to just "get over it".

There are many good online resources explaining the details such as this one by SingHealth. Or you may prefer to watch the TED Talk video on it. Interestingly, almost all the Google search results and resources from Singapore focus on identifying symptoms and recommending treatments while the top result from a non-SG website is Time To Change whose focus is to end mental health discrimination. 

Time To Change has great suggestions for people who want to help and even an entire section on Personal Stories for people with mental conditions to share their experiences. It is also where I learnt to ask twice when checking in on people you are concerned about, hence the title of this blog. In Singapore, we have the Beyond The Label initiative by NCSS which I was only reminded of from Berni's Facebook post. So yes, raising awareness for this greatly misunderstood condition is the why I am writing this blog post.

Here are some of my personal experiences with mental conditions.

I have always been a rather emotional person. When I was younger, breaking up was so devastating to me emotionally that I probably slipped into depression a couple of times. I remembered distinctly one particular episode when I was working as The Little Gym instructor. To be professional, my job requires me to be energetic and approachable in front of full classes of up to 24 adults and children for 45 minutes stretch. I would be able to execute that, holding back tears and emotions when they threatened, and then totally break down behind closed doors right after the end of a class. Oh yes I handled it, if you call that handling it. I lost my appetite, grew really thin, and somewhat functioned in a zombie-like state. My dad, at a loss of what else to do, for the first time in our lives, wrote me an encouragement card in Mandarin.

Once, when I was eating a meal by myself, a stranger asked to join my table which I agreed. We started chatting but it became increasingly uncomfortable. When I tried to leave, he refused to let me out of his sight, put his arm around me and touched my bare skin. I was horrified and felt totally helpless even though it was broad daylight in a shopping center. It was only when I walked towards a security guard and voiced my objection did he let me go. I was shaking and crying as I recounted the incident at the police station, my best friend by my side. It is only today as I read this HealthHub webpage on post-traumatic stress reactions am I able to put a name to all that I felt and experienced for that period of time. 

During my career as a secondary school teacher, I shed tears on many occasions. Sometimes they were due to difficult students in challenging classes. There were moments when I felt ineffective in helping those under my charge. And there were times it seemed nothing I did would or could ever make a positive difference for those who I care deeply about. I am aware that I am a sensitive person. Pastoral care sessions in school were often my undoing. But I generally attribute those salty water to my disposition and in fact believe they are beneficial. However, one of my supervisors became concerned and suggested psychotherapy. So I received treatment. Initially I was slightly affected by the stigma and did not tell anyone about these sessions. But hey, now you know, I needed help to manage my emotions and those sessions with a certified psychologist really helped me.

A close friend of mine had turned to me when she was suffering from an anxiety attack. For a while, I held space for her, listened and supported her. As much as I love her, when the frequency of these distress calls kept increasing, I became impatient with her and even wanted to distance myself from her. Not proud to admit that I had judged her negatively in her time of need. Yet, it is also important to recognise that caring for someone with mental conditions is not easy and I have to acknowledge these mixed feelings I had towards her. Still love her!

Wow... quite a catharsis for me in penning this post. Then again, writing often is. But I hope I have also achieved my aim to raise awareness for PTSD, and mental conditions in general. Let's do our part to end mental health discrimination. Be kind to one another and spread love. 🎔

Too Environmentally Conscious?

I prefer dining in to taking away. Period. I honestly feel a heartache if I have to use one-time disposables. So whenever possible, I will choose to have a sit-down meal even if it means I have to look out of place eating on my own. I have become so thick-skinned in that sense.

Along my journey, I am really thankful to discover alternatives such as beewax wraps, Keepleaf and Roll'Eat that allow me to not incur disposables when I am in a hurry. When I was moving into my own apartment, one of the first things I "stole" from my parents was a tingkat container. Haha!

So you can imagine I almost never order deliveries. Generally too cheapskate to pay for the delivery fees but also just unable to deal with the amount of plastic that inevitably comes with each one. However, during this circuitbreaker period when so many of our hawkers are adversely affected, I do want to help in my small ways. I ordered something which I had been craving but unable to find anywhere within walking distance. And I intentionally chose a hawker who is engaging private drivers (as they will receive 100% of the delivery fee) to deliver their food so as to kill multiple birds with one stone. #HawkersUnited #savefnbsg Support local hawkers! Satay forever!

But without a dine-in option, meals have been mostly settled at home. Definitely getting more comfortable in the kitchen! In the rare times when I do dabao, I would certainly have to plan in advance. What to eat? Is it dry or soupy? What containers to bring? Are they big enough? And I think through my approach.. my first question to the seller is always if they will accept my container. Unfortunately despite the government's call to BYO, it is still the hawker's prerogative to accept them. And I am prepared to walk away if they say no. I also tend to approach stalls that are less busy and thus will be less stressed about a disruption to their routine. Yes, I recognise that it might break their flow.

From when I first began years ago, being embarrassed and paiseh about my request, to now after trying-and-testing at various places on numerous occasions, I thought I found my balance point between convenience and environmentalism. 

I was not prepared for today.

Out on my grocery run/cycle, I had my tingkat ready and brought along my all-encompassing food bag just in case the tingkat is too small for the char siew rice I had in mind. While waiting for my rice, I spied some chwee kuey nearby and since I had an extra container, I seized the opportunity to buy myself an extra treat.

"Auntie, 水粿5个. 可以放里面吗?" 
(5 please. Can you put them in?) Pointing to my bag.

She eyed my bag and gave a nod so I waited happily.... until I observed her scooping the chwee kuey while my bag was far from her.

"Auntie, 可以直接放里面.这个可以放食物的." 
(You can put them in directly. This bag is specifically for food.) 
I tried to reassure her as I had done many times with other hawkers.

She still looked unconvinced but with some gentle persistence, she finally transferred them into my bag. I mentally heaved a sigh of relief and hoped she becomes more accepting in future with this first occurrence.

As she watched me closed up my bag.... "你太环保了" 
(You are too environmentally conscious)

My heart and face fell. Or sank. So hard I thought I heard a thud somewhere. I was momentarily stunned and I did not know how to respond. I wondered if my eyes above my mask reflected what I felt inside. And I am still feeling it right now as I type. 🙁

I suppose this is the whole crux of the problem?

I get it that we are already used to a lifestyle where things are efficient and convenient. 
I get it that not everyone has had the same experiences as me to want to go to this extent to avoid plastic. 
I get it that my individual efforts right now may not so much make a dent of a difference to the issue our collective presence imposes on this planet. 

But, TOO environmentally conscious? How can anyone be too much of the right thing to do? How about just becoming more conscious of choices and decisions made?

My ideal CB day

 

Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it?

This one has a virus.

We are only one-third into the year and it already felt too long and too wrong. I should be on vacation in Germany right now but I am back home which I have not left since Monday. No work, no yoga, no meet-ups, null.

Had tried not to make too big a deal out of it in the early days but when weekly WCS classes became officially unavailable, it became impossible to ignore. I started a coronavirus timeline in my BuJo. It listed major events worldwide as well as in Singapore and I continue to update it..

As restrictions under the Circuit Breaker measure get tougher, I, like most Singaporeans can only stay home. Not that I am complaining as I can be quite happy doing my own things at home and it is quite amazing the variety of activities that can be done at home with internet access.

• free movies/concerts/musicals/performances online
• yoga and zumba via ZOOM
• cooking with online recipes 
• clap/sing for #SGUnited
• volunteering (MADWISH) and doing good (SG Assist)
• online gathering and even an online wedding!

Yup, a very dear friend of mine got married! She calls it "Love in the time of corona" and it was beautiful. She looked gorgeous in an exquisite dress while her husband was all decked out in a traditional barong while her friends and family from all over the world celebrated with them via Zoom and a live YouTube screening.

However, the days spent within the same four walls do get blurred together and it is so easy to lose track of time... I decided to do one of the collections that I have been meaning to do, with a twist...
Hopefully, I can follow it better now because I have been sleeping at 2 am lately...... 👉👈 And the opposite page is also dedicated to CB because so much time and so many free movies now!!!

Ellen says..

I am a huge Ellen fan. I was almost a workaholic when I was working as a teacher but I tried my damnedest to make it home every workday at 5pm to catch her show on TV. I would dance along with her and the audience at the beginning of the show (if no one else was home), laugh out loud at her witty jokes, shed silent tears to the heart wrenching and/or heartwarming stories highlighted and really take to heart her constant reminder to "be kind to one another". Her show had been the most positive part of my otherwise stressful and monotonous life. Kind of a surprise to myself that she had only been mentioned once in my blog.

My friends know how much I idolise her. I am totally infatuated with her! I constantly made references to things, ideas, people, songs mentioned during the show in my conversations with others and come to think of it, many trendy things that I do know about are mostly because they had been featured in her show. Case in point, never laid eyes on SuperM until they performed live on her show. And I actually dislike the colour blue with the exception of what I call "Ellen blue". It is as though she can do no wrong such that even my least favourtie colour becomes acceptable when it is associated with her. So I talk (maybe gush is a better word) about her a lot. I have double copies of her books because I have sweet friends who think of me when they see her face. 

When she first started the Ellen Shop and began advertising her merchandise during the show, I often eyed them enviously. If I know of a friend going to or transiting in LA, I would be sorely tempted to ask for a gift from the shop. It is probably a great blessing in disguise that I do not live in USA because I probably could then set up a branch in my own house. 

Subsequently my inclination towards minimalisim all but squashed any of my desire to own Ellen items no matter how much I like them. Until she started her BE KIND by ellen box series. 
The internal struggle.....
~ a be kind box! awwww.....
* but it will be full of items that you won't need...
~ they are products that make a difference to the world!
* how much more dust collectors do you want to take care of?!?!
~ they are curated by Ellen!
* think of the environmental impact and of transporting it halfway round the world...
~ maybe just one??
...
...

Then my birthday came around... and although I was still struggling within... somehow... when you really want something the entire universe conspires to make it happen (feeling this a lot lately) and today I received it! It sparked so much joy in me just to unbox it! C'mon... it's Ellen... even if it was just chock-full of bubble wrap I would still be grinning from ear to ear. And the fact that I had no idea what the contents were made the unboxing all the more anticipative!

Ellen's note

I count the card with a note and signature by her an item on its own! Hahaha... the main point of the card is probably the descriptions of all the items within but this slightly bigger than A5 square tri-fold card with her gorgeous image on the cover is something I will treasure like all my Hello Kitty items!

Diff Eyewear

Aviator sunglasses! Haven't had one for a while and with every pair, the gift of sight is provided to someone in need. 👍 The hubby caught me at the moment when I was trying it on and pointed out that it would look better on him... so anniversary gift for him settled!

Vahdam Teas

Tumeric teas! Great timing when I am just trying to include more tumeric into our diet... Not sure if it will really be "BEST. TEA. EVER." as she put it but revenue goes towards education of the Indian tea growers' children - the educator in me approves! 

Quartet

A lasting dry-erase pad. Hmmm.... what will I do with my endless supply of scrap paper then? Hahaha... but I love the little message already on it... maybe I will just leave it there.... 🤔

Lotus Bags

Something that I have already decided against buying but lovely to actually own some! At least a percentage of profits is channeled to environmental charities.

BE KIND. Umbrella

Something from the Ellen Shop! So in the end I do own an Ellen merchandise after all. A straightforward reminder "when it's downpouring, literally and metaphorically". Certainly apt in the current Covid-19 situation. Can't wait to use it!

Little Renegades

Cards with basic mindfulness techniques for the little ones. Will definitely try them with Dylan and Erica and I imagine the cards will be very useful too if I take on some kids yoga classes...

Endangered Species Chocolate

Dark chocolates! Though not quite the percentage I prefer (these being only 55%) but helping gorillas (Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund) while enjoying a treat? Priceless.

Kind Lips

Lip balms that remind you to #SaySomethingKind and support anti-bullying initiatives. If I am still a teacher, this would be a consequence for any bully who does not understand how to shut up when you have nothing nice to say. Any teacher friends want them?


And that's it! The last time I was this excited about a parcel was when I ordered my leather backpack from Kickstarter. I am really not into online shopping but I think today I finally experienced a little of what regular Taobao kings and queens do with their consignments... 

Thank you Ellen! For being such an inspiration and beacon of light to me and to the world. I love my BE KIND box and I am so blessed to get it for my birthday!!!!!

Volunteering (on the day/in the name) of LOVE

This post is inspired by a couple of things - a newly minted video about #braveheartSG and a FB post by Dalai Lama a few hours ago. So you probably have watched the video before coming to this blog? Did you see me?!?! 😄😄

Dalai Lama says

Not only is it the case that happy people are more willing to help others, but as I generally point out, helping others is the best way to help yourself, the best way to promote your own happiness.
It is you, yourself, who will receive the benefit.

And that is really how I feel about volunteering. Many friends have commented that I am really kind and always helping others, doing a variety of different things to help people, animals and causes without asking anything in return. It appears a very big-hearted thing to do.

The truth is... , at least to some extent, it is a selfish act. I needed it. Many years back when I was a different depressive me, volunteerism saved me. Without it, I don't think I would have survived till now. I do not remember when but I had specifically thought to myself that I should not/would not/did not want to live past 40. It was very dark times.

I genuinely enjoy myself every time I am helping others. But more significantly, volunteerism opened my eyes to look past my own problems and really be objective to see how small they actually are in reality. Oftentimes, it had been a means of escape because when you are busy helping others, you conveniently forget about your own problems. A better solution than drowning your sorrows which I had succumbed to too..

Well, the more I do it the more I realise I CAN do. So even when it was no longer a "necessity" for me, I continue to serve in whatever capacity I can. Besides, I learn soooo much during these activities. From interpersonal skills to technical skills, like I mentioned in this post, I gained way more than what I gave. And that post on the Science of Kindness was also when I learnt that these seemingly selfless acts of mine are actually rather selfish. It was (perhaps still is) my way of loving myself.

Anyway, selfless or selfish, nothing is going to stop me from doing good now. Thankfully with the support of a very capable husband, I am even more able to help whenever wherever now. Thus I literally jumped at this chance to help give out love notes on Valentine's Day! It really had been dreadful to read about the stories of healthcare workers being discriminated. The situation is bad enough and we are being unkind to the very helpers keeping the situation under control?!?

As we were advised not to go directly to KTPH, we stationed ourselves at the nearby Yishun Interchange with our carts full of love notes and sweet treats. Very few nurses or healthcare workers in uniform came our way actually, so we had to make clever guesses often based on the lanyards people were wearing so we could get the items to the recipients! But the positive and heartfelt responses we received..... awww.... I can do this all day.... 🥰

Doing good with my oldie bestie and pals!

Thank you to all the Singaporeans (including PM Lee!) who took the time to pen a love note

What a way to come full circle.. to still be able to give on the day of love, on the day I thought I would not survive to see. Yup, I just turned 40 years old this past Valentine's Day! My fellow helper was bewildered when she knew... well, the science behind kindness mentioned something about aging too.. 😉

New (organised) Life in the New Decade

I first heard of Bullet Journal (BuJo) when I was still a teacher. Pre-BuJo, calendar planners are essential lifesavers because there are soooo many aspects and areas that a teacher covers and these planners really helped me to organise and manage in a timely manner. However, looking back on the many planners I used over the years, there always seemed to be an incredible amount of waste in terms of the unused pages. So BuJo offered a very attractive solution to that especially when I became more and more particular about the aesthetic design of a planner. Moreover, I love writing!

very well used!

In 2017, I began a very basic BuJo using a beautiful journal with blank pages courtesy of NUS. It was mainly for work and the concept of index is so simple yet so effective in finding all the minute details that popped up anytime anywhere in my role as a teacher! It is also so usage efficient that I continued to use the same journal for 3 years even as the whole ball game of bullet journaling evolve and become oh-so-gorgeous. Don't take my word for it, just search Pinterest on it! 

I wanted to start a new one but there was so much information and so many possibilities about it that I constantly felt I'm not ready. So I began a prototype version in the final pages of the same grey journal in September 2019 before I can finally say to myself "let's do it!" for the new decade. 

I decided to indulge in a Leuchtturm 1917 dotted journal in Nordic Blue and the hubby is very pleased that it is an excellent product originating from Germany. Love that it is already paginated and even come with a pocket on the back cover. I even bought a matching calligraphy brush!

I am incredibly proud of my BuJo thus far. So much so I considered opening an Instagram account just to document my progress in it. Nah... I will share my "achievements" here instead... 😊

What is a BuJo without the KEY?

Here are some collections I decided I must have after doing up the prototype..

My favourite part of BuJo-ing is definitely having the space to unleash some creativity! 

Forgot my dive log during the trip so this page became it!

Should I blog about future pages of my BuJo?! Yay or Nay?

T-talks over K-dramas and N-flixs

During long commutes on public transport, beside Two Dots, I really enjoy my TED app.

On this particular day, out of the long list of suggested videos, Alejandro Duran's "How I use art to tackle plastic pollution in our ocean" caught my attention. Of course, the issue of plastic pollution has been on the forefront of my mind and especially so having witnessed the devastation on many of my dives in various parts of the South East Asia. This is exceptionally intriguing as it brings in the art aspect which I enjoy too!

The beauty of TED is it suggests other related and relevant videos right after you finish one. Having only completed a quarter of my journey, I let Jason deCaires Taylor's "An underwater art museum, teeming with life" to play. It reminded me of a phrase I heard from Dr Goodall about the "resilience of nature". Naturally (pun intended), she finds her own way regardless on land or under the sea.

The next video which continued to play was Zaria Forman's "Drawings that show the beauty and fragility of Earth". From the coldest and most remote of oceans to beautiful low-lying islands, nowhere is spared from the damaging effect of human behavior.

I chose the first video because I wanted to know how others deal with this seemingly unsolvable issue of pollution. By the end of the third video, I definitely felt uplifted. Which is really why I enjoy TED talks so much. To be made aware of amazing people, incredible projects and unimaginable ideas from all over the world every single day. Watching one TED talk is actually an item on my daily habit tracker list.

Perhaps none of the three speakers, all of them artists, made any direct difference in the production of plastic or the pace of climate change but I can see the potential impact of their art. Art is not useless. In fact, I feel it is very relevant. In our current situation, we need to tug the heartstrings more than ever to effect change. The work of these artists are beyond words and I can't think of a better way to stir emotions than being dumbfounded by what you experience.

I hope to participate in a beach cleaning that yields art materials, and personally swim through the underwater art museum, and behold the magnificence of the finger painter's compositions. Three items on my bucket list which would not come to be if not for these short and sweet TED talks.

What have you learnt from TED recently?