Headstand or Sirsasana aka The King Pose

 I remember the first time I saw someone I know performing this pose. I had just ended a class at The Little Gym where we taught children developmental gymnastics when in the corner of our huge red padded mat, one parent took advantage of the lull in between classes and decided to go upside down and balance on her head. I believed my jaw dropped. I was very impressed but never thought I would someday be able to achieve the same.

I started practising yoga in group classes and I professed to be a very good student in following instructions to get the most out of each session especially since I did not have the luxury of individualised directions. The headstand was one pose I knew, then, that would be out of my reach because it was an either-you-know-and-you-do-or-you-dont-and-you-skip pose during such group sessions. I only remember one time that an instructor went into details explaining and demonstrating the method step-by-step. Something she said stuck with me all these years, "Do not jump, walk your feet in and when you lift up, it should feel very light."

The pose continued to elude me for years. Until I joined a home studio where class size was limited to 8 people. There I received much more attention and perhaps also due to the fact that I was the youngest and most flexible student, the instructor often got me to demonstrate poses. My confidence soared and my postures improved across the board! When I watched the oldest (70 years old!) student effortlessly get into his headstand, I realised I felt neither envy nor resignation. I believed I would be able to do it.

As a gymnastics instructor, I can do a handstand with ease but as we are not required to hold the pose, I am completely comfortable being upside down but did not know how to stay upside down! I am also a Physics teacher who explains the concept of centre of gravity with diagrams and formula so the logical part of me had the idea that there is only ONE perfect point my entire body needs to be for me to stay upside down. I was so wrong.

The day I finally achieved a headstand by myself, everything just came together. I was ready, both physically and mentally. I was being guided by an attentive and caring instructor. I had shared how an old injury on my little finger was causing pain when my fingers were interlocked beneath my head and she suggested extending the little fingers instead. Although I was very close to the wall, I resolved to not make use of it. 

Just as what the first instructor explained, I did not jump, I kept walking my feet towards my face until past a tipping point, my legs very lightly, gently, gracefully raised above my head and torso. There was not a single point in space that my body froze in position to stay upside down, but there was this entire range of field in which my extended legs and feet could tilt left, right, front, back without me losing my balance. I stayed in pose long enough for me to remind myself to breathe and actually consciously took five breaths before bringing my legs down.

Needless to say, I felt euphoric. I probably looked exactly like what I saw in the parent after she calmly came down from the pose that time so many years ago. And just like her, I practise it wherever I can and whenever appropriate, even on water.

International Day of Peace

 Found out the existence of such a day belatedly after seeing HH Dalai Lama's post about #peacedaychallenge 

my personal belief 
 i can only fight darkness with light
i can only drown out hate with love
i can be the change i want to see in my world by first cultivating inner peace

perhaps this year i will start with 
learning practical skills to build peace ☮

Happy International Day of Peace

5forSG55

August. The month we celebrate Singapore. Usually I get all hyped up when this month rolls round because I am really so proud to be a Singaporean. However this year the feeling is just different. Maybe it is because we are in a pandemic. Perhaps it is the negativity surrounding this year's election that had rubbed off me the wrong way. Or it could be that I was disappointed that the NDP committee had decided to provide a funpack for every household despite designating 2019 as the Year Towards Zero Waste. I guess my decision to opt-out of collecting said funpack also did nothing to add to the usual festive mood of the month. Hmm.... the biggest reason might be the grief of losing a dear colleague most unexpectedly just before the month began. 😢

Regardless of my personal feelings, the country was certainly in celebration mode. Practically every other post on my Facebook news feed was about a National Day promotion or a special 55 related offer or screaming red and white or a gratitude note that I might have written myself. The one post that really got my attention was one with #5forSG55 - a challenge to gather a group of 5 to pick 5 bags of trash from our East Coast Beach as a way to celebrate National Day.

As a diver, I am particularly aware of how our usage of plastic is causing harm to our seas. My first attempt at a beach cleanup was on a stretch of pebble beach in Bali after reading about #2minutebeachclean. There had been news about how the monsoon had been bringing in an incredible amount of trash to our shores and I knew I wanted to help somehow. The challenge just provided even more motivation for me to make this journey to the east. 😂 Thus I promptly joined the telegram group and created my own group. 

I was quite ready to do it solo but *surprise surprise* someone actually joined my group! And between the 2 of us we collected 7 bags of trash in under 2 hours. The best part of this cleanup was being able to encourage a stranger to help out with just our actions! We had been working silently and separately in a bid to cover as much ground as possible when someone approached my new friend to ask what we were doing and then if he could help! I gave him a pair of extra gloves I had and a recycled plastic bag and he went right to work!

A week later, I joined another group to do some "beach forensic examination" during which our focus was to document the source of the trash found on our shores. Unsurprisingly, most of the identified trash came from neighbouring countries but there were definitely some local trash too. In a shorter period of about 45 minutes, I bagged one plastic bag worth of trash. The best part of this cleanup was when 2 young girls approached me to clarify what I was doing. It so warmed my heart to see the acknowledgement in their eyes that what I was doing was not in vain. They started their own cleanup there and then.

Before the month was up, I organised another beach cleanup when some of my own friends decided that they wanted to do their part too!! This time round, I booked the use of Cleanpod 

                    

and really leveled up equipment-wise with a cart, weighing scale, pails, tongs and even sieves! The area we worked at did not have the usual large trash so I made full use of the available sieve and went after the microplastics! After about an hour's work, the 5 of us actually bagged just over 5 bags for SG55! 6.7 kg of tiny plastic and styrofoam kept out of the stomachs of sea creatures! But the best part of this cleanup had to be the ice cold beer we had before we even began work. 🤣

The plastic issue is such a humongous problem. I had been a lot more passionate about speaking against it in previous years. I wonder if I am becoming a little numb to it because you see it everywhere, even in the streets, by the roadside, on communal tables in void deck. Can I collect them all? Do my actions really make a difference? I don't have an answer to that. I just know I cannot do nothing at all.

Please stop trashing our planet.

 

Check Your Privilege Day

In the aftermath of George Floyd's death, I was trying to make sense of it all. It was a rude and shocking reminder of how cruel, inhumane and senseless our world can be. And I need to understand how that came to be, how for all the goodness and cleverness of humanity, we have allowed such a thing to happen. So I read, absorb and reflect. There was no shortage of materials, just from my Facebook feed. And I try not to read only one side of the story (good training from my Masters of Science Communication and also because of this TED talk) which often means that eventually I can't really only argue for or against any issue. I don't see myself as standing with only the police or with the blacks.

Of all the articles I read in that time, this one stood out for me. First of all, I aspire to be as humble and open as Jason is and secondly as I read Lori's response, my ignorance and obliviousness to my own privilege became increasingly apparent. There is no way to deny that I have privilege for being a Chinese living in Singapore. It is also with great shame that I admit I had personally questioned someone's intellectual capabilities based on skin colour. I may not had said anything at that point in time but the doubt that had arisen if detected by the other party would certainly had been a source of unjustified pain.

It feels extremely unfair. The world is unfair and unlikely to change overnight. Perhaps because I have myself been in the position of being the minority in other scenarios, I could somewhat empathize with her but I can never imagine having to face and deal with that kind of discrimination on a daily basis. Thus, it was then that I decided I would stand up, speak out and challenge any unfair instances which I may witness in future. We can all do better.

Then Racial Harmony Day rolled by. Although I had never celebrated it as a student, I always looked forward to dressing up for that day as a teacher! Facebook reminded me of the different styles I tried over the years, not one was Chinese. 😆 I supposed it can be seen as tokenism as depending on the school's directive, efforts toward celebration of RHD can be quite superficial. Yet, not having that experience as a student had resulted in me having practically zero exposure to other races until my university days?!?

Besides liking many of my teacher friends' RHD related photos on Facebook, I also chanced upon Preetipls' video which spurred me to pen this post. Highly doubt MOE will even entertain her proposal but after completing her checklist (I ticked 11 boxes) I strongly encourage everyone to check yours! Privilege is really not only based on race and I honestly believe everyone benefits from a heightened sense of self-awareness. Another alternative is to attempt The Privilege Walk (Singapore edition) which actually first happened about 4 years ago. I would be 7 steps ahead.

While preparing for this post, I googled "check your privilege singapore" to search for Preetipls' video, fully expecting it to be the first result but of course I was wrong. This is a topic that has been discussed again and again, (link, link, link, link, link) and until we as individuals begin to acknowledge these advantages afforded to each of us, it will continue to come up again and again.

Finally, as Preetipls mentioned, being highly privileged is not a problem in itself. And I certainly hope that this call to check your privilege does not backfire as suggested by this article! It is what we do with this knowledge and awareness that matters. Allow me to appeal to your moral responsibility that comes with privilege, do what you can or perhaps stop doing what you have been doing. Hopefully together we can prevent the next senseless murder.

How are you? Are you really ok?

<<I was challenged by a friend to raise awareness for PTSD earlier this month. I didn't feel up to that particular challenge 🤣 but I do want to speak out for all who may be suffering from mental illnesses and/or anxiety disorders. So here is me rising to the challenge in a different format. >>

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression are anxiety disorders listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the principal authority for psychiatric diagnoses. They are recognised conditions by experts so first and foremost we need to understand that people with these conditions are REALLY unable to just "get over it".

There are many good online resources explaining the details such as this one by SingHealth. Or you may prefer to watch the TED Talk video on it. Interestingly, almost all the Google search results and resources from Singapore focus on identifying symptoms and recommending treatments while the top result from a non-SG website is Time To Change whose focus is to end mental health discrimination. 

Time To Change has great suggestions for people who want to help and even an entire section on Personal Stories for people with mental conditions to share their experiences. It is also where I learnt to ask twice when checking in on people you are concerned about, hence the title of this blog. In Singapore, we have the Beyond The Label initiative by NCSS which I was only reminded of from Berni's Facebook post. So yes, raising awareness for this greatly misunderstood condition is the why I am writing this blog post.

Here are some of my personal experiences with mental conditions.

I have always been a rather emotional person. When I was younger, breaking up was so devastating to me emotionally that I probably slipped into depression a couple of times. I remembered distinctly one particular episode when I was working as The Little Gym instructor. To be professional, my job requires me to be energetic and approachable in front of full classes of up to 24 adults and children for 45 minutes stretch. I would be able to execute that, holding back tears and emotions when they threatened, and then totally break down behind closed doors right after the end of a class. Oh yes I handled it, if you call that handling it. I lost my appetite, grew really thin, and somewhat functioned in a zombie-like state. My dad, at a loss of what else to do, for the first time in our lives, wrote me an encouragement card in Mandarin.

Once, when I was eating a meal by myself, a stranger asked to join my table which I agreed. We started chatting but it became increasingly uncomfortable. When I tried to leave, he refused to let me out of his sight, put his arm around me and touched my bare skin. I was horrified and felt totally helpless even though it was broad daylight in a shopping center. It was only when I walked towards a security guard and voiced my objection did he let me go. I was shaking and crying as I recounted the incident at the police station, my best friend by my side. It is only today as I read this HealthHub webpage on post-traumatic stress reactions am I able to put a name to all that I felt and experienced for that period of time. 

During my career as a secondary school teacher, I shed tears on many occasions. Sometimes they were due to difficult students in challenging classes. There were moments when I felt ineffective in helping those under my charge. And there were times it seemed nothing I did would or could ever make a positive difference for those who I care deeply about. I am aware that I am a sensitive person. Pastoral care sessions in school were often my undoing. But I generally attribute those salty water to my disposition and in fact believe they are beneficial. However, one of my supervisors became concerned and suggested psychotherapy. So I received treatment. Initially I was slightly affected by the stigma and did not tell anyone about these sessions. But hey, now you know, I needed help to manage my emotions and those sessions with a certified psychologist really helped me.

A close friend of mine had turned to me when she was suffering from an anxiety attack. For a while, I held space for her, listened and supported her. As much as I love her, when the frequency of these distress calls kept increasing, I became impatient with her and even wanted to distance myself from her. Not proud to admit that I had judged her negatively in her time of need. Yet, it is also important to recognise that caring for someone with mental conditions is not easy and I have to acknowledge these mixed feelings I had towards her. Still love her!

Wow... quite a catharsis for me in penning this post. Then again, writing often is. But I hope I have also achieved my aim to raise awareness for PTSD, and mental conditions in general. Let's do our part to end mental health discrimination. Be kind to one another and spread love. 🎔

Too Environmentally Conscious?

I prefer dining in to taking away. Period. I honestly feel a heartache if I have to use one-time disposables. So whenever possible, I will choose to have a sit-down meal even if it means I have to look out of place eating on my own. I have become so thick-skinned in that sense.

Along my journey, I am really thankful to discover alternatives such as beewax wraps, Keepleaf and Roll'Eat that allow me to not incur disposables when I am in a hurry. When I was moving into my own apartment, one of the first things I "stole" from my parents was a tingkat container. Haha!

So you can imagine I almost never order deliveries. Generally too cheapskate to pay for the delivery fees but also just unable to deal with the amount of plastic that inevitably comes with each one. However, during this circuitbreaker period when so many of our hawkers are adversely affected, I do want to help in my small ways. I ordered something which I had been craving but unable to find anywhere within walking distance. And I intentionally chose a hawker who is engaging private drivers (as they will receive 100% of the delivery fee) to deliver their food so as to kill multiple birds with one stone. #HawkersUnited #savefnbsg Support local hawkers! Satay forever!

But without a dine-in option, meals have been mostly settled at home. Definitely getting more comfortable in the kitchen! In the rare times when I do dabao, I would certainly have to plan in advance. What to eat? Is it dry or soupy? What containers to bring? Are they big enough? And I think through my approach.. my first question to the seller is always if they will accept my container. Unfortunately despite the government's call to BYO, it is still the hawker's prerogative to accept them. And I am prepared to walk away if they say no. I also tend to approach stalls that are less busy and thus will be less stressed about a disruption to their routine. Yes, I recognise that it might break their flow.

From when I first began years ago, being embarrassed and paiseh about my request, to now after trying-and-testing at various places on numerous occasions, I thought I found my balance point between convenience and environmentalism. 

I was not prepared for today.

Out on my grocery run/cycle, I had my tingkat ready and brought along my all-encompassing food bag just in case the tingkat is too small for the char siew rice I had in mind. While waiting for my rice, I spied some chwee kuey nearby and since I had an extra container, I seized the opportunity to buy myself an extra treat.

"Auntie, 水粿5个. 可以放里面吗?" 
(5 please. Can you put them in?) Pointing to my bag.

She eyed my bag and gave a nod so I waited happily.... until I observed her scooping the chwee kuey while my bag was far from her.

"Auntie, 可以直接放里面.这个可以放食物的." 
(You can put them in directly. This bag is specifically for food.) 
I tried to reassure her as I had done many times with other hawkers.

She still looked unconvinced but with some gentle persistence, she finally transferred them into my bag. I mentally heaved a sigh of relief and hoped she becomes more accepting in future with this first occurrence.

As she watched me closed up my bag.... "你太环保了" 
(You are too environmentally conscious)

My heart and face fell. Or sank. So hard I thought I heard a thud somewhere. I was momentarily stunned and I did not know how to respond. I wondered if my eyes above my mask reflected what I felt inside. And I am still feeling it right now as I type. 🙁

I suppose this is the whole crux of the problem?

I get it that we are already used to a lifestyle where things are efficient and convenient. 
I get it that not everyone has had the same experiences as me to want to go to this extent to avoid plastic. 
I get it that my individual efforts right now may not so much make a dent of a difference to the issue our collective presence imposes on this planet. 

But, TOO environmentally conscious? How can anyone be too much of the right thing to do? How about just becoming more conscious of choices and decisions made?

My ideal CB day

 

Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it?

This one has a virus.

We are only one-third into the year and it already felt too long and too wrong. I should be on vacation in Germany right now but I am back home which I have not left since Monday. No work, no yoga, no meet-ups, null.

Had tried not to make too big a deal out of it in the early days but when weekly WCS classes became officially unavailable, it became impossible to ignore. I started a coronavirus timeline in my BuJo. It listed major events worldwide as well as in Singapore and I continue to update it..

As restrictions under the Circuit Breaker measure get tougher, I, like most Singaporeans can only stay home. Not that I am complaining as I can be quite happy doing my own things at home and it is quite amazing the variety of activities that can be done at home with internet access.

• free movies/concerts/musicals/performances online
• yoga and zumba via ZOOM
• cooking with online recipes 
• clap/sing for #SGUnited
• volunteering (MADWISH) and doing good (SG Assist)
• online gathering and even an online wedding!

Yup, a very dear friend of mine got married! She calls it "Love in the time of corona" and it was beautiful. She looked gorgeous in an exquisite dress while her husband was all decked out in a traditional barong while her friends and family from all over the world celebrated with them via Zoom and a live YouTube screening.

However, the days spent within the same four walls do get blurred together and it is so easy to lose track of time... I decided to do one of the collections that I have been meaning to do, with a twist...
Hopefully, I can follow it better now because I have been sleeping at 2 am lately...... 👉👈 And the opposite page is also dedicated to CB because so much time and so many free movies now!!!