Paw Prints on my Heart

 

I don't even remember when my love affair with cats began.

Hello Kitty is certainly a source. But how did swooning over the cat with no mouth transition into an indescribable love for the real deal of sleek, coolness, and independence - I am unsure.

I remember making a declaration "I love all cats! - except Garfield" I could never resist spending time with cats. You have a cat? Can I come visit? If I come across a stray, I would pause even if it is just to say "hello there!" Eventually, it led to volunteering for Cat Welfare Society, buying of cat calendars, regular feeding of community cats, seeking out cat cafes and even the cat village of Houtong. Everyone knew me to be the cat person who, ironically, didn't have a cat. Until I moved to Uruguay.

Oscar was first. He was so shy initially, always keeping his distance, but I had no doubt we were meant to be. I loved watching him as he kneads his front paws, while eating from his bowl or before settling into his favorite spot for a nap. When he first jumped on my lap, the gentle press of his paws seemed to say "I am learning to trust you." 

When we lost Oscar, it felt like someone had punched a hole through my heart. The untouched food bowl, the empty corners where he used to nap - everything felt wrong. I wasn't ready to say goodbye, not when we had barely begun our journey together.

Then Chinook came into my life. Her constant purring was like a healing balm to make all things right again. She purred so much, so loudly - we named her after the just as deafening helicopter. We didn't know then that her sweet purring might have been trying to tell us something. That perhaps her body was already fighting battles we couldn't see.

Losing two cats within six months... I never imagined such heartbreak when I dreamed of being a cat mom. How could something I wanted for so long bring such profound pain? I thought maybe this was the universe's way of telling me I wasn't meant to have cats after all. At all.

Funnily enough, it was on the hubby's insistence that brought them back into our lives. He wanted a mouse catcher. So I responded to a giver's posting of kittens for adoption, mistakenly assuming there was only one due to the language barrier. Actually there was a litter of 7 to choose from! 

I had often wondered what kind of cat I would choose to be my own and just as I was considering how I would select 2 out of the litter of 7, I was relieved of that choice. I had arrived at the giver's home and we spoke at her gate. As the kittens were all running amok she had to go search for them and the first two she brought out became mine. So none of my cats were actually chosen by me - they chose me, or perhaps fate chose them for me.

This year taught me that love and loss are two sides of the same coin. Oscar showed me how beautiful it is when trust builds slowly. Chinook taught me to cherish every purr, every moment. And now these kittens are teaching me that it's okay to open my heart again.

I miss Oscar's gentle paw kneading. I miss Chinook's powerful purrs. But their brief presence in my life made me a better cat mom, and for that, I'll always be grateful. As I watch Arturo and Estrella play, I like to believe that somewhere, Oscar and Chinook are watching too, purring their approval of these little ones who are helping to heal my heart.

when you love two languages..

Growing up in a Chinese/Hokkien speaking household, my grasp of the English language was never as good as that of my Mother Tongue. Learning Higher Chinese during my secondary school days had also deepened my love for this difficult and challenging but oh-so-incredible language. I am constantly amazed how a few characters in a single idiom can often convey so much more than the sum of its parts.

 

One would expect that if I am a language teacher, I would be teaching Chinese but fortuitously I had a take-it-or-leave-it offer to teach English when I applied to be a teacher. At times, I still feel like a fraud to call myself an English teacher when it is not something that comes naturally to me. The number of times I checked and re-checked the dictionary and thesaurus to write a single blog post is proof. Yet, having undergone that training started an unexpected love affair.

 

I love both languages. And I have come to realise that rather than identifying myself with either of them, it is more crucial to recognise the importance of language(s) as part of communication. Personally, effective communication is THE most important life skill everyone should acquire. So much wasted effort and unnecessary anguish can be avoided if what is said is received as intended.

  

Well, because I love both languages, I often try to make sense of the world, what I read, what I hear, through both medium. For example, I may watch a movie in English but constantly read the accompanying Chinese subtitles to get a deeper understanding. I enjoy such translation so much that I had offered to do translation (both ways) during volunteering stints! 

 

So recently, I was indulging in one of my favourite songs by one of my favourite artistes when I felt inspired to translate the song lyrics. Initially, I thought I would need to refer to other attempts (Mr Google really can find anything) but in the end, I was able to craft my own translation in its entirety rather fluidly. I was only concerned about not losing the original meaning (or at least my interpretation of it) that I did not bother about how my translation will fit back in the song. Look at this gem of a website I found! Such a great way to learn a new language if you enjoy singing too!!

   

I suppose it is not too difficult to guess which Chinese song I have translated especially since it is also the theme song for a famous fabulous movie! As a Physics teacher, I wonder if the songwriter had misunderstood the definition of light year to be a measurement of time rather than that of distance... but who cares! The song is beautiful and her singing is flawless!

 

What do you think of my translation? 

 

Beyond Light Years 

relishing the caress of your fingertips on my hair
it freezes time instantaneously
etching the focus of your determined eyes upon mine
there may already be no tomorrow 

compared to the vast galaxies of stars
we are more minute than dust
floating drifting in helplessness 

fate brought us together far from the madding crowd
destiny had us falling in love amidst distress
perhaps a future is far beyond light years
i am willing to keep a vigil for you in this uncertainty 

i never imagine how crazy i will get for you
without you disasters and calamities can claim my life
i am already mad in the mind for you
without you pulses and heartbeats are inconsequential 

one embrace by your loving arms
protects me from the whirlwind of life
one bond of passionate relentlessness
fires up that eternal flame of hope 

the universe is majestic yet aloof
our love is infinitesimal but brilliant
tremulous but oh so selfless 

perhaps to deviate from the course is a dream that can never come to fruition
far from the madding crowd we only belong to each other

How are you? Are you really ok?

<<I was challenged by a friend to raise awareness for PTSD earlier this month. I didn't feel up to that particular challenge 🤣 but I do want to speak out for all who may be suffering from mental illnesses and/or anxiety disorders. So here is me rising to the challenge in a different format. >>

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression are anxiety disorders listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the principal authority for psychiatric diagnoses. They are recognised conditions by experts so first and foremost we need to understand that people with these conditions are REALLY unable to just "get over it".

There are many good online resources explaining the details such as this one by SingHealth. Or you may prefer to watch the TED Talk video on it. Interestingly, almost all the Google search results and resources from Singapore focus on identifying symptoms and recommending treatments while the top result from a non-SG website is Time To Change whose focus is to end mental health discrimination. 

Time To Change has great suggestions for people who want to help and even an entire section on Personal Stories for people with mental conditions to share their experiences. It is also where I learnt to ask twice when checking in on people you are concerned about, hence the title of this blog. In Singapore, we have the Beyond The Label initiative by NCSS which I was only reminded of from Berni's Facebook post. So yes, raising awareness for this greatly misunderstood condition is the why I am writing this blog post.

Here are some of my personal experiences with mental conditions.

I have always been a rather emotional person. When I was younger, breaking up was so devastating to me emotionally that I probably slipped into depression a couple of times. I remembered distinctly one particular episode when I was working as The Little Gym instructor. To be professional, my job requires me to be energetic and approachable in front of full classes of up to 24 adults and children for 45 minutes stretch. I would be able to execute that, holding back tears and emotions when they threatened, and then totally break down behind closed doors right after the end of a class. Oh yes I handled it, if you call that handling it. I lost my appetite, grew really thin, and somewhat functioned in a zombie-like state. My dad, at a loss of what else to do, for the first time in our lives, wrote me an encouragement card in Mandarin.

Once, when I was eating a meal by myself, a stranger asked to join my table which I agreed. We started chatting but it became increasingly uncomfortable. When I tried to leave, he refused to let me out of his sight, put his arm around me and touched my bare skin. I was horrified and felt totally helpless even though it was broad daylight in a shopping center. It was only when I walked towards a security guard and voiced my objection did he let me go. I was shaking and crying as I recounted the incident at the police station, my best friend by my side. It is only today as I read this HealthHub webpage on post-traumatic stress reactions am I able to put a name to all that I felt and experienced for that period of time. 

During my career as a secondary school teacher, I shed tears on many occasions. Sometimes they were due to difficult students in challenging classes. There were moments when I felt ineffective in helping those under my charge. And there were times it seemed nothing I did would or could ever make a positive difference for those who I care deeply about. I am aware that I am a sensitive person. Pastoral care sessions in school were often my undoing. But I generally attribute those salty water to my disposition and in fact believe they are beneficial. However, one of my supervisors became concerned and suggested psychotherapy. So I received treatment. Initially I was slightly affected by the stigma and did not tell anyone about these sessions. But hey, now you know, I needed help to manage my emotions and those sessions with a certified psychologist really helped me.

A close friend of mine had turned to me when she was suffering from an anxiety attack. For a while, I held space for her, listened and supported her. As much as I love her, when the frequency of these distress calls kept increasing, I became impatient with her and even wanted to distance myself from her. Not proud to admit that I had judged her negatively in her time of need. Yet, it is also important to recognise that caring for someone with mental conditions is not easy and I have to acknowledge these mixed feelings I had towards her. Still love her!

Wow... quite a catharsis for me in penning this post. Then again, writing often is. But I hope I have also achieved my aim to raise awareness for PTSD, and mental conditions in general. Let's do our part to end mental health discrimination. Be kind to one another and spread love. 🎔

My ideal CB day

 

Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it?

This one has a virus.

We are only one-third into the year and it already felt too long and too wrong. I should be on vacation in Germany right now but I am back home which I have not left since Monday. No work, no yoga, no meet-ups, null.

Had tried not to make too big a deal out of it in the early days but when weekly WCS classes became officially unavailable, it became impossible to ignore. I started a coronavirus timeline in my BuJo. It listed major events worldwide as well as in Singapore and I continue to update it..

As restrictions under the Circuit Breaker measure get tougher, I, like most Singaporeans can only stay home. Not that I am complaining as I can be quite happy doing my own things at home and it is quite amazing the variety of activities that can be done at home with internet access.

• free movies/concerts/musicals/performances online
• yoga and zumba via ZOOM
• cooking with online recipes 
• clap/sing for #SGUnited
• volunteering (MADWISH) and doing good (SG Assist)
• online gathering and even an online wedding!

Yup, a very dear friend of mine got married! She calls it "Love in the time of corona" and it was beautiful. She looked gorgeous in an exquisite dress while her husband was all decked out in a traditional barong while her friends and family from all over the world celebrated with them via Zoom and a live YouTube screening.

However, the days spent within the same four walls do get blurred together and it is so easy to lose track of time... I decided to do one of the collections that I have been meaning to do, with a twist...
Hopefully, I can follow it better now because I have been sleeping at 2 am lately...... 👉👈 And the opposite page is also dedicated to CB because so much time and so many free movies now!!!

Volunteering (on the day/in the name) of LOVE

This post is inspired by a couple of things - a newly minted video about #braveheartSG and a FB post by Dalai Lama a few hours ago. So you probably have watched the video before coming to this blog? Did you see me?!?! 😄😄

Dalai Lama says

Not only is it the case that happy people are more willing to help others, but as I generally point out, helping others is the best way to help yourself, the best way to promote your own happiness.
It is you, yourself, who will receive the benefit.

And that is really how I feel about volunteering. Many friends have commented that I am really kind and always helping others, doing a variety of different things to help people, animals and causes without asking anything in return. It appears a very big-hearted thing to do.

The truth is... , at least to some extent, it is a selfish act. I needed it. Many years back when I was a different depressive me, volunteerism saved me. Without it, I don't think I would have survived till now. I do not remember when but I had specifically thought to myself that I should not/would not/did not want to live past 40. It was very dark times.

I genuinely enjoy myself every time I am helping others. But more significantly, volunteerism opened my eyes to look past my own problems and really be objective to see how small they actually are in reality. Oftentimes, it had been a means of escape because when you are busy helping others, you conveniently forget about your own problems. A better solution than drowning your sorrows which I had succumbed to too..

Well, the more I do it the more I realise I CAN do. So even when it was no longer a "necessity" for me, I continue to serve in whatever capacity I can. Besides, I learn soooo much during these activities. From interpersonal skills to technical skills, like I mentioned in this post, I gained way more than what I gave. And that post on the Science of Kindness was also when I learnt that these seemingly selfless acts of mine are actually rather selfish. It was (perhaps still is) my way of loving myself.

Anyway, selfless or selfish, nothing is going to stop me from doing good now. Thankfully with the support of a very capable husband, I am even more able to help whenever wherever now. Thus I literally jumped at this chance to help give out love notes on Valentine's Day! It really had been dreadful to read about the stories of healthcare workers being discriminated. The situation is bad enough and we are being unkind to the very helpers keeping the situation under control?!?

As we were advised not to go directly to KTPH, we stationed ourselves at the nearby Yishun Interchange with our carts full of love notes and sweet treats. Very few nurses or healthcare workers in uniform came our way actually, so we had to make clever guesses often based on the lanyards people were wearing so we could get the items to the recipients! But the positive and heartfelt responses we received..... awww.... I can do this all day.... 🥰

Doing good with my oldie bestie and pals!

Thank you to all the Singaporeans (including PM Lee!) who took the time to pen a love note

What a way to come full circle.. to still be able to give on the day of love, on the day I thought I would not survive to see. Yup, I just turned 40 years old this past Valentine's Day! My fellow helper was bewildered when she knew... well, the science behind kindness mentioned something about aging too.. 😉

7. Dylan and Erica need to trust, at a very early age, that home is safe.

Dylan and Erica are past "a very early age" but they do already trust that home is safe. Today at school-going age, they both are pretty confident and outgoing kiddos. My brother and sister-in-law are certainly doing a great job in this area.

I am pretty impressed by my brother who takes extra time to give each of them separate swimming "tuition" on top of swimming classes they attend with a swim coach. More than just ensuring they learn how to swim, I believe those one-to-one sessions are when he bonds with them individually. Bet he does not know that even science suggests that his actions are going to make Dylan and Erica smarter and better behaved!

This is one aspect, from my years of experience as a teacher, I learn is one of the most important aspects that any parent must take care of. A child will simply have difficulties growing up well-adjusted without a supportive and nurturing environment at home. There are so many "problematic" youngsters acting out in school because they lack the care and attention at home.

For children to be the bright future we expect them to be, we first have to ensure that we adults are providing a safe haven at home for them. Unfortunately there are many unprepared or even unwilling parents out there. Thankfully, and hopefully, the percentage of that group of parents is small compared to the parents I personally know who care a great deal about how to bring up their children!

Just to add, I do not see a safe environment to only be possible in a typical family nucleus with a father and a mother. I know of many atypical families of single parent and even same sex parents who probably do a better job at creating trust at home for their children than many of the "normal" family type I came across at school. The point is, if you have choose to bring a child to life, do it properly?!

Happy Loving Day!

I first heard of them only when the movie came out in 2016. Jailed for marrying the love of your life. For the Valentine baby in me, that is just totally unacceptable so although I did not watch the movie, I read up about this resilient couple who never gave up. Because of the persistence and courage of Mildred and Richard Loving, Americans can truly have the freedom to marry since 12 June 1967.

Actually in the context of Singapore, the Loving vs Virginia case is hardly relevant since Eurasians (persons of mixed European and Asian descent) first arrived in the 19th century, interracial marriages here are hardly out of the norm. I love the aptness of the last name of the plaintiffs but I would never imagine this unofficial celebration held annually in June would now feel this close to heart.

Happy Loving Day to my dearest hubby and all interracial couples out there! Although we come from such vastly different backgrounds, love is love, and love is enough to make a relationship (and all the work that comes with it) worthwhile. But yup, definitely glad I do not have to worry about being thrown into jail for loving you.

My ZW intended Wedding

my self-made mini bouquet made of shells - spot the rings!

If you have no idea what ZW refers to, perhaps this post will not interest you. Although the concept of zero waste is getting increasingly common, I personally think it is really important to frame it properly and realise that ZW is a desirable and even essential goal but to achieve absolute ZW given our current lifestyle will not be easy. Sometimes it feels downright impossible especially when you care about your relationships with others.

I have always cared about the environment, the main reason most people got started on this journey. Beginning from my uni days when I joined NUS Students Against Violation of the Earth (SAVE) group, I really want to be part of the solution by acting and choosing consciously in my everyday life. But I would say I only really learnt about sustainability and the power of choices and actions after joining the Facebook group - Journey to Zero Waste (JtZW) in Oct 2016. That is how my intention to make my own wedding a ZW one came about.

First of all, I am not the person to go to when planning events. I dread organising this sort of thing and easily get disheartened by the mere knowledge of the potential waste that such events almost inevitably incur. But as this was my own wedding, with newfound insight to ZW possibilities and the support of a fiance hailing from the country with world's highest recycling rate, I somehow found the strength and faith in myself to want to make it happen.

In my mind when I began planning the wedding, I remembered distinctively that I wanted a small and simple wedding. Many ZW-based choices simply come down to doing away with what is not necessary and having attended my fair share of weddings, I knew what I did not want in mine. Unfortunately for my now-hubby whose idea of "small and simple" was just the signing of the papers with immediate family, I did still want to involve my extended family and at least the tea ceremony. Still traditional in some ways.. and somehow the wedding became a lot more elaborate than expected.

Venue(s)

With the initial idea of "small wedding", I first looked at restaurants that are able to cater to less than 100 people but after taking into consideration the location, cuisine and whether they served sharks fin (big no no!!), each of them was eliminated one by one. Eventually I contacted my first choice hotel, found their package fitting and our date available that I just stopped looking at others!

PARKROYAL on Pickering is my first choice because it is an eco-friendly hotel and I just love the whole architecture design with greenery along flowy lines. It was also easy to finalise on it as it was where Axel and I had our first staycation together. Lots of sweet memories already made here.
The package we selected was a basic solemnisation one without excessive themed decorations or wedding favours. (One of the first things I knew I did not want to have at my wedding.) Given their status as a Green City Hotel, I made assumptions that waste in the hotel is already minimised. However during our meetings with the manager Joelyn, I did explicitly state that I was aiming for a ZW wedding and even suggested to them to consider rolling out a ZW-focused wedding package! It will be such a niche, befitting the hotel!

After deciding on having a lunch buffet at the hotel which cater for an ideal number of 100 guests, and with various queries from friends who found out about our upcoming wedding, I began toying with the idea of also having a dinner party just for friends. As Axel had been very accommodating to my preferences with regard to my family, I thought it would be lovely to have the dinner venue to be somewhere distinctively German. Again, without spending too much time and effort, we swiftly decided on Stuttgart Blackforest Boutique S-Cafe. Similarly, during our meetings with manager Wen Cheng, we made it known our intention to make it a ZW event and thus one of the first points that he took note of was to "hide the straws". Unfortunately, some wastage I had not forsee and had to accept included paper table signage, paper napkins and plastic dessert containers here. Could I have insisted on cloth napkins? Hmmm....

For both venues, as they are proper dining venues with actual cutlery and kitchen ware, no disposables were used despite both meals being buffets. This point was very important to me. Each venue also had its own unique ambience and design that there was no need for me to bring in additional decorations even if I wanted to. Finally, I like that both venues are within walking distance to a MRT station and centrally located in or near Orchard. Although I could not possibly have controlled how my guests arrive for our wedding, at least the option to take public transport was not totally out of question!

Food 

From most wedding banquets that I had attended, unfinished food at every course was almost a given.

Thus, I preferred the idea of buffets for which I can somewhat control the amount of food being prepared by ordering less than the expected number of guests, a suggestion I learned from JtZW group. As it was still highly likely to be leftover food, I fiddled with the idea of purchasing mason jars or similar as wedding favours so that guests may immediately utilise them to pack the excess food home. I put this idea forward to the JtZW group and received a lot of feedback from the community which brought up food safety concern among other considerations that I had not factored in. Through that post, a founder of Food Rescue @ Events reached out to me to consider having their team to save the remaining food after our meals. What a brilliant idea!

Naturally, Axel and I were both very keen to prevent the excess food from going to waste but getting approval from the respective venues was not as easy as we thought. Given Singapore has implemented time-stamping on cooked food, the managers were understandably resistant to have a third-party collect the food for later consumption. Thankfully, myself together with the volunteers of Food Rescue @ Events were able to  reassure and convince them that the food were taken at our own risk and I was very happy to see the food being packed to benefit others.

 

 

Bouquet and Floral

I have never really been a flower lover. Generally I prefer admiring and smelling them while they are still planted with roots in the soil so I did not really see the need for floral decorations at our venues or even a bridal bouquet. Such a pity for these to subsequently wither and die, no?

Over at PARKROYAL, the package was inclusive of table centrepieces by their own florist. There was also a slightly larger setup for the reception table which doubled up as table decor for the solemnisation table held on a different level. Love the innovation of my bridesmaids! I only hoped that these were reused or re-purposed by the hotel given their green status and my conversation with manager Joelyn. On hindsight, perhaps I could have collected them and redistribute them to a nursing home like the people from Happy Flowers. But the logistics of it..... hmmmm......

I really almost got away without a bridal bouquet until my sisters/bridesmaids heard of it and would have nothing of it. One of them was ready to order and pay on my behalf so I gave in and accepted her florist's number. Surprisingly, I ended up quite liking what I saw (simple stalks tied together with twine) and made arrangement with said florist. We were at the point of payment when I found out there would be a lot of wastage from that one bouquet as she does not have a shop and could not benefit from economies of scale nor save the excess. And when I finally decided to go with it anyhow she was no longer available. I wouldn't be surprised that she might be just weary of having to deal with a ZW-focused bride..

As even mummy dearest stated that I should have a bridal bouquet, I began a search for it albeit reluctantly. And I did find my dream bridal bouquet eventually! On Carousell no less! Just happened to chance on it and even Axel was receptive to it so we agreed to rent this gorgeous grey-silver masterpiece. Moreover, it totally matched my shoes and Axel's vest on that day! Really love that it is such a statement piece and can be reused again and again. If I knew I would have a bridal bouquet, I would have made my own bridal brooch bouquet! Maybe with a touch of red..

On a side note, Carousell was also where I found perfectly reusable bridal car decor that dolled up the car without being overdone! Fixed them up on the car myself with the help of daddy dearest with some satin ribbons from my own craft collection. Within a week after the wedding, re-sold them on Carousell!

One thing the traditional me wanted to do was to express my gratitude to my parents during the wedding. After all, it has been nearly 40 years before they could marry me off and really I am who I am today only because of their love, care and upbringing. When it came to selecting a gift for this purpose, I was very pleased to discover Bloomback which not only re-purpose flowers to more lasting gifts but also train and hire marginalised women.

Attires, Hair and Makeup 

My wedding makeup artist was the first person I hired in the planning of my wedding. I hardly wear makeup and am nowhere near even proficient when it comes to prettifying myself. This was one task I knew would be outsourced and it had to be no other than her as I really liked what she did for my bestie for her wedding. She being a professional MUA would also be less likely to waste all the makeup products necessary for the task. I was also quite glad that she did not generate much waste (only 2 tissue papers!) during the process although I made no mention of aiming to be ZW to her. Additionally, she was able to loan me a gorgeous veil for the day! Unfortunately, I lost the dried flowers in my hair which she wanted to reuse and I also threw away the fake eyelashes at the end of the day.

My first option for wedding dress was to rent but I was unable to find one I really like despite trying on quite a few. Next I looked at purchasing one that is versatile enough to still be worn in the future. But mummy dearest wanted me to look like a bride so in one afternoon with my mother and sister-in-law, we browsed dresses on Taobao and found an ideal one in ivory (not white) with a low back. Again, not wanting to waste time and effort, we ordered it. It came and it fit and so it was settled! It is now listed on Carousell and hopefully not be hanging in my wardrobe for too long.

My shoes was a pair I had for more than a year but never worn. It was not bought for the wedding but it turned out to match the dress and bouquet quite beautifully. Similarly, Axel wore a suit and shoes he already owned. However, considering Singapore's humid weather, he had a grey vest tailor-made so that he could have the option of removing the coat and still look well-dressed.

 

Invitations

This was one item I was certain I did not want to waste for the wedding. So I made full use of my aesthetic side and created my own e-invites with the help of Canva. What an amazing tool! I had so much fun designing and redesigning not just the invitations to the lunch and dinner, but even some background slides that was projected on the big screens during the event and an instruction sheet for the reception table.

The invitations were Whatsapp-ed to my guests and I maintained the guest lists (and wedding day schedule) entirely on Google Sheets so I could keep the printing of documents to a minimum.

 

Photobooth?

As we were not having wedding favours, and there were going to be some waiting time in the schedule, I considered the idea of having a photobooth where guests could have fun making memories during our wedding and at least bring home a picture as a keepsake. But eventually I decided digital photos were just fine. But I did make my own photobooth props for the ocassion! Almost all out of recycled materials. Super proud of myself. I was also very luckily blessed by someone from the JtZW group with some used party decorations which I incorporated into mine as a backdrop for the photobooth. These were thereafter reblessed to others in the same group.

Final Thoughts

I tried my best. Really gave this shot to the best of my ability. But as the ex-teacher in me would say, "There is always room for improvement." And when you are planning a major event that involves your family who do not quite buy in to the entire ZW concept, compromises need to be made. With a lot of the traditions carried down over generations, my mother and I had a lot of give-and-take. Initially, I said "no" to many things as I really do not wish to purchase a brand new item that would only be used for a few moments. My mother ended up purchasing new fan, umbrella, lamps and tea set amongst other items because she really believed that these would ensure a blissful marriage for Axel and myself. But my stubborness had also deterred her somewhat that with some "essential" items, instead of buying them for me, she gave an angbao for each in lieu.

Anyhow, I think the most important thing in any wedding of any sort, ZW or not, is to have fun! I had loads of fun and really really enjoyed our special day with our dearest and closest. ☺️

Saying Goodbye to Grandma..

My ah ma was a tough woman. She lived through WWII, borne 9 children and pretty much brought up myself and 4 other cousins single-handedly when we were younger. I remember days when we kids got so rowdy in her 4-room flat that she had to shout at us while preparing meals or washing and hanging up laundry.

I remember her cooking - pork chops coated with biscuit crumbs, thick meat porridge with my favourite ketchup and made from scratch ngoh hiang which we only got to enjoy during CNY. Her homecooked meals were her communication of love for us.
 
I remember the white powder that she liked to put on just as other women of her era did - my first introduction to make-up. Though she rarely looked made up, I thought she was beautiful, especially when she smiled. 

Around the time when I started JC, days spent at grandma's house got fewer and fewer but when I do visit, I would definitely get my favourite dish of tomato egg. We would sit together to watch TV programmes; she would ask me for the time and that was one thing I became pretty good at in hokkien; or she would ask me to do little chores like turning on the light or turning off the fan.

We could hardly hold a conversation together but I loved being cheeky with her, teasing her about this or that. When I got older, one thing I often "told" her was to stop smoking. I would gestured taking the cigarette out of mouth and putting it out and she would often just smile and wave me off.

Once, I got really upset with her because she didn't want a wheelchair that enabled her to wheel herself around. She wanted one that only had the option of being pushed around although she still had strength in her arms. It seemed to me that she had given up then.

It was last February during one of my visits that it finally dawned on me that the time might be near. She was frail, no longer walking and hardly speaking. I remember holding her hand and feeling her soft yet easily bruised skin. She was still her cheeky self, smiling and teasing me about my then-boyfriend. I remember thinking to myself that I want more pictures with ah ma..

20th Jan 19: Birthday celebration! Ah ma was 93 years old. Technically it was celebrating both our birthdays as we share the same lunar birthday. She was happy with her cake and all the little ones running around her.

7th Feb 19: On the second day of CNY, she was hospitalised. I visited her and sat mostly silently by her bedside. Looking at all the tubes on her, sensing the discomfort she was experiencing, I took her hand and silently thought to myself. "I would love for you to be at my wedding, I want so much for you to be at my wedding, I want to serve the granddaughter and grandson-in-law tea to you. But you don't have to stay for that, you don't have to stay at all. You can go, ah ma..."

10th Feb 19: I was greeted with countless messages and missed calls on my phone after finishing a yoga class. Frantically hailed a cab and rushed down to the hospital with a pounding heart. She took a while but she opened her eyes when she heard that I had arrived. Then she gave an even bigger welcome to my then-fiance, the yandao. She survived that day.

17th Feb 19: She appeared better, was able to recognize more of us, spoke more coherently and once again was asking for the time every now and then. I thought she looked really cute when she smacked her lips together. Then she showed us what she was capable of by blowing bubbles into a straw. Definitely A+++ for you ah ma!

25th Feb 19: She was well enough to be transferred from the hospital to a community hospital. Everything went smoothly and transportation plans for her from the new venue to the wedding venue were considered. Everyone was in high spirits.

2nd Mar 19: I was called to the hospital although I had planned to meet my jiemeis to discuss the wedding day schedule. I arrived within an hour to see her with an oxygen mask covering half her face. With the help of my aunt, she presented me with the golden bangles she had asked my aunt to purchase for me the day before. Pictures were taken. I thanked her with a kiss on her forehead. My family told me to proceed with my plans.

After meeting with my jiemeis, I got another call to return to the hospital, this time with Axel. When we arrived, she had been moved to a private room and almost all family members in town were present. After waiting for the tea cups to arrive, we served tea to ah ma and received her blessings. More pictures and video were taken. She looked really alert and agreed that the tea was sweet. Although all of us were prepared for the worst that night, her condition improved well enough to be transferred back to her previous common room.

7-8th Mar 19: It was my Guo Da Li day and as per tradition, Axel was required to prepare a special angbao just for ah ma. My dad delivered it to her the following day and she opened her eyes for this picture of her with the angbao that was rightfully hers.

10th Mar 19: One week to the wedding. Visited ah ma with Axel. Her limbs felt cold and she complained that her legs were aching. Tried to make her comfortable by moving her limbs for her. Held her hands and she would tightened her grip on mine. Told her to sleep and rest. Questioned the doctor about the tips of her fingers and he called us aside to tell us to be prepared.

11th Mar 19: While out running errands for the wedding with Axel, my mind constantly thought of  ah ma. Can one ever be fully prepared for such an event? I received the news via Whatsapp while we were in a crowded MRT train. Initially I was calm, but as I leaned into Axel and buried my face in his chest, the tears just overcame me. The realisation that she was gone was just too much.

Then I received a call from my brother to remind me to stay away and not participate in the funeral. Am I really not allowed to say my last goodbye? Another call from my mum then another from an aunt. Some indignation and fresh tears each time. Perhaps it really was for the best that I was absent.

That day, the skies opened and rain hammered down after a long dry spell.

13th Mar 19: As I was kept up to date via our family group chat without being able to be physically present, I tried to go about my normal days, doing things that I routinely do. I was okay. I talked to my friends and was comforted. I attended my usual yoga class. The necessity to turn inwards and focus on my gaze, body and breath made it unnecessary to constantly remind myself that life goes on. I felt great that I was able to execute all the poses.. until savasanah. Totally relaxed, the mind went right back to ah ma and I pretty much burst into tears.

15th Mar 19: It was the appointed day for Axel and I to collect our marriage certificate from ROM. It was also the day ah ma was to be cremated. With an insane need to do something, we headed for the beach in ECP. Both of us folded some origami boats, I gathered some fallen white flowers and set the little memorial boats adorned with flowers out to sea. Rituals do have meaning. For me, that simple act was significant and comforting. I know my ah ma loves me and that I am in her heart as much as she will always be in mine.

 
Ang Char (1926 - 2019) is survived by 9 children, 6 children-in-law, 17 grandchildren, 9 grandchildren-in-law and 7 great-grandchildren.